Three Dancing Pepitas and Us

There are gifts in the chaos

2011-11-09T22:55:00.004-05:00

This was not my best week. I was feeling irritable and impatient. I tried to set some time aside this week for myself, from stepping out for a couple of hours to 20 minutes alone in my bedroom. I couldn't get myself to be ok with where I was. Everything was annoying me. When the girls were fighting or ignoring Luna, it upset me. It isn't ok when another person in the house is talking and they aren't hearing her. That doesn't sit well with me. To the point I would yell, because after three times of helping them they would still fight or ignore Luna. It isn't ok for me to yell at my children. I realize i don't really talk about loosing it so much on here. I lost it. For the past couple of months i have not lost it on them. I was really proud of that. I worked really hard on being aware of those moments before i get to that place. Usually I can. This past week, I just couldn't. I am reminded that I am human. I can't prevent things from happening...all the time. But I do keep trying.:)

I spoke with a dear friend of mine, and she said to me that it sounded like i wasn't getting my needs met. She then asked me what I needed. I don't know what I need. I need something. And I don't know what that something is. There are little things that I need, but they don't make up for all the bigger things that I am not getting.

Trinity asked me when I raised my voice, "Mommy are you having a bad day or are you really mad at us?" It was one of those moments where I felt like I was looking up at my child. My head and shoulders dropped to the pit of my stomach. All I could say was thank you for saying that, and I am so sorry, yes I am having a really bad day. It has nothing to do with you guys. You don't deserve me taking it out on you. They hugged me tightly and I held them back. I was wrong. It hurts my body to hear parents yell at their children. It really does. That is how much it hurts the child. I don't want to hurt or scare my children. I don't want them to become used to it to the point it doesn't bother them. Because it is not ok. I don't want someone yelling at me. So how could I think it is ok to yell at them. I remember what that was like as a kid. I also know that I can be really hard on myself. I don't want to put myself down. I don't always know how to forgive myself. In this moment I know I am a great mother. I know I have some really big emotions that are stuck inside me. I know it is not ok to put it on them.

I just re-read what I wrote about no one hearing Luna. I mean even now when I write it I am hearing in myself that someone is not being heard in me. My children aren't hearing the thing that I need them to hear because it is under what I am saying to them. They can't hear it. And, maybe that is why they aren't listening, because they already know that I am really not even speaking to them. Because I am not really. There are things I need them to hear when it comes to them, but I can not have the expectation for them to hear my "stuff". So what do I need? I need to be heard. I need to speak my truth in order to be heard though. I don't think i am doing that. Actually come to think of it, I have not been speaking my truth. There is fear there. If I speak my truth, people may not like it. Is it safe? And if people leave, then that is ok too. Right?

This shit never ends...at least in my head...

I am leaving for four days. To a place where i will be heard. I am getting over a really bad cold. I know sometimes loosing it happens, but i need to figure out a way to deal with the anger. Help...how do you deal with anger?

Lemony Olive Oil Banana Bread

2011-11-04T09:07:00.007-04:00

It was 7:28 when Luna wanted her morning milk. I struggled a little because I really wanted to sleep before the other little feet came drumming down the steps. I had to warn them of the reason to keep the living room door shut. We have a little visitor. Country Mouse.

They squealed, thinking they had a new pet when I told them.

Oh little farm mouse. You are lucky you aren't a city mouse. It would have been a very different experience last night when we met.

Feeling really vulnerable this morning, I checked my email for feedback. Acceptance maybe? I wish the relief of expressing my needs weighed more then the feeling of fear of rejection.

Then I saw the most amazing title. Lemony Olive Oil Banana Bread. What could be better? It actually made me excited. Food glorious food....

Trinity and I baked. She read the ingredients. It is marvelous to be part of her growth. And to be there to share that smile of excitement and pride.

Baking. Something I can control. Didn't I just talk about this. I can control the sweetness of melted chocolate and bananas, a tinge of lemon...(I am following a recipe)

It will love me, and I will love the bread. Just so you know I am very well aware of the comfort of my food.

I will honor my feelings when the space provides. In the mean time I have a delicious bread to eat.

Garlic and Butter

2011-11-02T16:40:00.007-04:00

We can't stop with the pepitas here. I really enjoy cooking/baking with Luna. She really takes over in the kitchen. The whole experience is delightful. In some ways I get emotional because she is my last child. I will not be birthing anymore babies. I find myself savoring Luna. She is no longer a baby, and... she is still my baby.

Garlic and butter Pepitas..our new favorite.

She helped me chop the garlic. I couldn't take a picture of that for safety reasons..:)

adding more pumpkin seeds

like butta and... a tad bit of olive oil

she knows what to do

she took over the camera

perfection...the little hand, and garlic and butter pepitas

Luna Stories

2011-11-02T16:29:00.004-04:00

Luna told me a story yesterday. I had to write it down because this may be one of many she will tell. She shares her dreams, good and bad ones, her songs, her wishes and her feelings. She is full of words, my Luna. I actually forget she is 2, almost 3 in January.

Lucy

Lucy was walking in the forest. She found a hole, and fell in. She found her brother, her daddy, and her mom.

I asked what happened next. She said. "That's it mommy, she found them."

Spirit Trees

2011-10-28T23:32:00.003-04:00

Lastnight, I listened to the giggles of excitement because of our very first snow fall. Elated by the white dust, they informed me of our need for winter gear, and warmer pajamas. Yes...we are no longer in the South. Who new we would be trick-or-treating in the snow...

We hung out with some friends today who live in Shutesbury. My new favorite road is Shutesbury Rd. I drove along this narrow winding road, and was welcomed by a very huge..and I mean HUGE beautiful tree. She was standing in the middle of many skinny trees. I had to stop the car because she took my breath away. Then I realized I needed to keep driving to follow my friend. As we are driving up this road, the inches of snow was rising on the lands of Shutesbury Rd. It was hysterical actually. I called George and said, I want to move here. He said where is here? I told him..Shutesberry Rd. He laughed.
We settled into our friends home. No more then an hour and half later the kids yell, "Moose! Moose!" I knew I heard moose, but I couldn't quite understand why they were yelling it. Why would there be a moose on Shutesbury Rd. And there he was. Looking at us looking at him. He was taller then the mailbox. Way taller. I have never seen anything like it. I froze. I think I lost my breath. Very different from my breath being taken away. The he walked away into the wood. And that was a young one they said. My friend said people have lived here for years and had never seen a moose. They have spotted 4 or 5....
I am sorry Shutesbury Rd. I no longer want to live on you. I am happy in my little farm looking town, Granby. Where fox visit us and wild turkey. I heard a bear came to a neighbors house but I will just pretend that didn't happen b/c she lives down the road not very close to us.

Driving home I went back the way we came because the girls wanted to see the white horse we saw coming up the hill. I personally wanted to see the tree again. I pulled over, got out of the car, and walked to the tree. I touched her; wow was she big. I got out because I wanted to hug her. When I got there I felt it was only ok to touch her a little bit. Not a lot. It may sound weird but that is what I heard. When I got back to the car, Trinity asked me why I didn't hug the tree. When i told her the tree didn't want me to, she said, "Well the tree might let me." I told her that is between her and the tree. We will be back to visit it. I bet the tree has a lot to say.

There is a beautiful children's book that I bought 5 yrs ago. The Tree, by Dana Lyons. The author talks about how a song came flowing out of her on the last day of her vacation while sitting at the base of a Douglas Fur. She doesn't know where the song came from, but guessed it was coming from the tree. While at a Lummi celebration, the tribal chief wanted to hear The Tree. After telling the story of how The Tree came about, the chief confirmed that in their tradition each tree has a song. And the chief recognized the tune. It is a beautiful story. We love reading it.
I do believe if we listen closely we will hear their songs, their stories.

Winning and Losing

2011-10-24T23:20:00.007-04:00

Two weeks ago, our homeschooling group went to Art in the Orchard. It is a sculpture exhibit at an orchard farm in Easthampton. It was beautiful.

We found out that day that there was going to be a scarecrow making contest in town that weekend. Trinity really wanted to enter. She already new what she wanted to make. I support her in her interests. So it wasn't a question. She got everything she needed to make the scarecrows.

It was in the bag for her. She was very optimistic. She was asking if she could take it home after she won and got her prize. I was very aware of her excitement and wondered how attached she was to the prize. She worked really hard on it, BellaSky helped a little. Trinity would say to me,"Mom when I get the prize I am not sharing it with BellaSky. This is my scarecrow." I said, "Maybe BellaSky can have a small piece of the prize." She didn't like that too much.

she takes her creations very seriously

it was very hot in the sun

the body on its belly

stuffing the 2nd body...there are more. I just didn't take pics of them

making the face. she wanted to use the dolls head but there wasn't a way for it to stay on. she thought it was creepy looking. it was creeping me out.

making the baby scarecrow faces

Trinity tying the faces onto the babies

she picked her location after registering her scarecrow family. the judges walk around town and choose the winners.

Luna really loved herself..(it was really Trinity, but Luna said it was her because I was holding the baby)

Trinity called it Trina

we went back that evening for the announcement of the winners. Trinity brought her best friend Rosalie for support.

waiting for the winners. i was crossing my fingers too

She did not win. She turned around and smiled at me when they said thank you for all those who entered. I saw the sadness in her smile. I put my hand over her shoulder. She was fine for a little while. After we left we went and picked up her scarecrow. When we were half way home is when she started to cry. She didn't understand why she didn't win, and she didn't understand why they didn't acknowledge her scarecrow(they acknowledged some of the scarecrows). I really didn't know what to say. I could only listen. I reminded her of the fun she had making it; gently. She kept saying, if only they talked to her to get to know who she was. That was really hard to hear because she was thinking they were judging her. You put your heart into something and then for it to be judged...she didn't understand. I told her they weren't judging her as a person they were only looking at the scarecrows...My heart was breaking for her. She was really sad. I was trying to remember what it felt like to loose, so I could share my experience before she asked me. Then she asked me and my mind went blank. I know I have lost in my life. And I was a very competitive person in sports. When I lost, I remember people saying you only can do your best. And that has to be good enough. That is what I believe now, but did I believe that then?

I had a very hard time handling this one. I loved her up and I was there for her.

How do you feel about situations like this? It would really help me to hear your thoughts. I am not on facebook much. If you can email me or note it on here. I would really appreciate it.

She is an amazing person. And is a winner in my eyes. I hope she feels that way too. It brings tears to my eyes just saying it.

Baking with my little Yummies

2011-10-09T11:11:00.007-04:00

I really do enjoy baking. I tend to turn to baking when I am having one of those moments where some sort of predictability is needed..You know the moments where you want to control an outcome. I go the scientific route. If you just follow the directions and measurements, all will be well. Really! ...and it tastes great too.

Having children who like to help bake, sometimes changes my experience, which brings me back to square one when needing to create my "controlling situation outlets". Mind you these events for myself happen at least once a month. I think we bake a considerable amount. This was not one of those times. This was one of many fun moments of baking with my children.

We made coconut banana chocolate cookies. Well, that is what we call them. They are from a blog that I have been following for almost two years. She has great recipes.

smashing bananas

the oats

i love how they help each other

you have to expect spills and happily let them go..it is all part of the joy of baking with little ones

so delicious

before we added the chocolate chips

their favorite...eating it

Sorry I never got to take pictures of the finished cookie...they were super yummy as you can imagine. I had to put some aside for George..that's how good they were. Trinity made them once and sold them at a kids market. They were a hit.

Pumpkins, Leaves, and Sauerkraut Oh My....

2011-10-04T17:00:00.012-04:00

What an incredible week. First, I told you I would post pictures of Trinity's pumpkin. It looks fabulous at night. She was very proud of herself.

Second, I wanted to post pictures of the pumpkin seeds Trinity and I made together.

She was very happy with how they came out.

Some friends came over to play and you can't help yourself when there is such an abundance in your backyard. The greatest game in the fall. It can go one for hours..

Can you smell them?

They gather..

They throw

They attack... me..

They are leaf mummies

Funny Mummies

I have been wanting to learn more about fermenting foods. I have a friend in NJ who has Fermentation Friday's at his house. I thought that was a clever idea and wanted to start my own group. I told myself when I start the group, it is then that I will learn more about and making fermented food. I haven't gotten around to setting up the group yet and I don't have to believe that I have to wait till there are people in my house to do so..

This is my first attempt to making my own sauerkraut. BellaSky and I made this together. It was very fun. It felt like a science experiment. Everytime we pushed the cabbage down we cheered, "It's working!" This was made on Sept 26th. BellaSky and I try a little every few days. It tastes really good. Trinity does not like it at all.. I invite visitors to taste it, and they really like it too. I know there are great benefits to fermenting food, and I am still learning about them. I am not one to follow one particular diet...But I believe and live by food is our medicine. And I know that sauerkraut is a digestive tonic. I love trying different kinds of foods, and I try to listen to what my body needs. This particular day it wanted to make sauerkraut. And now I get to have some.

You can put anything in your sauerkraut. I have red cabbage and green cabbage with red onions. Yum Yum! I don't have a crock, but I made it work in these jars. I have little jelly jars inside the big mason jars to keep the cabbage pressed and the liquid high above the cabbage. It seems to do its job. I want to wait the full month before I make another batch. I will use the liquid (brine) for the next batch as it is an active culture starter.. It is all so very exciting. My next project is making water kefir. Then, Greek yogart...I am having so much fun.

Fall Play

2011-09-27T22:31:00.004-04:00

I do love fall. It is my favorite season of the year. I love the crisp smell of the fall air. The crunchy leaves. Wearing scarves around my neck. Though the past couple of days it has felt like summer. But I know it is coming...it is right around the corner

Today we went to see our down the road neighbor friend Joan. She has a horse named Zelda and a pony named Pony Girl. They are 25 and 30 yrs old. This is our second time going to her house and just hanging out with her and her animal friends. The kids get to feed them and pet them. Today we fed them peanuts. Joan was showing the kids flat hands when feeding them. Pony Girl thought Luna's fingers were food and nipped her. Luna was more scared then hurt. She kept her distance for a bit then was back to admiring her nose. Pony Girl likes to graze and needed a brushing, so the girls lured her outside the fence while Joan went to get brushes. When Joan got back Pony Girl was almost out. They were very proud of themselves. I think she thought they had more peanuts. The children really enjoyed brushing her. She is so much more children friendly because she is smaller. It is really sweet that we get to hang out with Joan and her horse and pony. I know BellaSky is getting her fill.

Afterwards we went to two farm stand down the road because the girls really wanted to get some pumpkins and gourds. BellSky and Luna bought little baby ones. You can't wrong with $1 per lb. They got three each. Trinity bought a bigger one so she could carve it.

When we got home BellaSky decorated her small ones with markers. Then we all cut and cleaned Trinity's pumpkin. It was the main event. They found it humorously gross touching and pulling on the slimy stringy insides. We separated the seeds to bake for tomorrow. They are soaking in salt water right now until tomorrow. I wanted to soak them or sprout them. I found a cool Toasted Pumpkin Seeds recipe. Trinity is very excited to try the seeds. I have childhood memories of pumpkin seeds..They are very yummy. I can't wait to eat these..

Trinity wasn't sure what she wanted to carve out yet. We decided to go to the library to get some ideas. While we were there a book literally jumped off the shelf and onto the floor. I am not kidding. We were there not even 5min. I was making scary sound affects. Trinity picked it up and low and behold....it was a Halloween book! Did I mention that Trinity is all about Halloween? She found what she wanted to carve in that book. I am not surprised.:0 Creeepy!!!!

It was fun carving the pumpkin together. She was so proud of herself. She asked me to do the mouth and she did the eyes. We put it in the front window and lit it up. Wicked cool...See I am from the New England area now I have say that.. Wicked...I couldn't find our camera so I don't have any pictures of the scary pumpkin. Not so wicked..;( I will keep looking.

It was relaxing and peaceful day. I love when everything just flows..

2011-09-25T11:27:00.004-04:00

If you keep talking, less listening is happening.

Stop. Just stop. And Listen.

When you can't stop, ask yourself, what do you not want to hear?

In this moment

2011-09-16T11:06:00.007-04:00

My body has many stories. My mind is filled with memories I can not erase. And my soul is holding all wishes, hope and trust. I am singing gratitude and dancing with grief. And yet my heart feels wide open and ready.

I am walking a labyrinth slowly as many questions fall from my fingers tips for the earth to carry...

The wind opens my shoulders while the trees hold my head up. The sky is calling my heart. My arms want to rise along with the rest of me. I crave for my feet to be lifted. I feel heaviness in my belly holding me back. I do not ask nor do I surrender.

Need...

Love is a response to need.....

I love..Yes, fiercely.

I need...

...I need...

I will not hide, but will you close your eyes?

The Experiment

2011-09-01T22:01:00.008-04:00

So in the beginning of August after arriving home from our visit to NJ, the children go to their usual movie. And for some reason it really bothered me. It bothered me after a weekend of being together they just go off and do their own thing. Mind you, I am writing all of this in retrospect because at the time I wasn't feeling like they are going off and doing their own thing. I was naming it a habit. A habit that stemmed from being bored and /or unhappy and not having anything else offered to them...that is me not offering anything else to them; that I have given them no other choice but to watch movies. (Talk about really being hard on myself)

After feeling these feelings, I walked in the living room, I asked if they could pause the movie. I then asked, "if we didn't have a television what would we be doing right now?" They looked at me and thought. They don't see my agenda, at the time I really truly felt I didn't have one. I was really curious. They looked at each other. Then I asked, "What would we be doing with our time if we didn't have a tv?" They smiled in wonder. Seriously, they were smiling. And seriously I didn't have a list of questions on hand. The questions were really coming up as i went along. Then I asked," what would life be like if I didn't have a computer?" I can't believe I just said that. Trinity yelled out, "I wonder what would I be doing if I didn't have a tv to watch my movies." BellaSky said she would play more...Then I asked," how would our family be like?" They looked at me then at one another in wonder. I then said, Let's try an experiment....They got excited. "Let's see what it is like to not watch tv and not have a computer." They chose 8 days and they chose to start the next day.

The next morning we put the tv, dvd player, and the netflix box in the closet. They were very enthusiastic about it and I am not just saying that. They got me excited. The one thing I asked them was to be able to go on the homeschooling group to make sure all is well. They said that was fine. I was prepared for them to say well as long as it is ok to watch the occasional movie. But they didn't. I seriously was not being malicious and of vindictive. As a radical unschooler I can imagine what this sounds like...on the contrary I needed to see what this was going to feel like and new there was something for me learn from it. And they obliged so I wasn't forcing them at all. Does that make it ok? ( I am really not asking for your permission) To me though it was because the questions were real to me. I didn't know what life was going to be like and neither did they.

They didn't even ask for movies. (just for info we don't have cable just a dvd player and netflix box) I was the one feening for the computer. When I was in a bad mood, I found myself wanting the computer. When I was anxious I found myself yearning to go on it like it was going to relieve me from the anxiety. When I felt I worked really hard, i wanted to reward myself with the computer. When i felt isolated and lonely, I felt myself turn to the computer for support. Shit! Really? Did facebook become my sole support system? Really?! All in one little lap top.
I started to ask myself what would I be getting out of it. In this moment of what ever feeling I was having, what was the computer going to give me? I journaled and journaled. I broke everything down. I needed to recognize what the initial need was in order for me to learn how to give it to myself. Somehow just going to the computer just put many band-aids over all of it. I walked away feeling better for the moment, but it didn't fill the void. I was shocked by what I was learning. I knew right then and there that 8 days wasn't going to be enough for me. ANd for only me. By the fourth day i thought it would be fun for all of us to journal our experience thus far. By themselves they decided to do a before and after. It was a mazing what they came up with. Trinity shared her picture of a girl living inside a tv and then a girl on the outside. She said she knew what was real now. BellaSky shared a picture of circles and there were lines connecting the circles and they represented all her ides and toys/games, then a picture of a girl and a box/tv not connected. Her after picture was one huge circle on top and and I love you sign(sign language image) She said she felt more connected. I shared a circle with just one or two colors as my before and then my after was a circle filled with many colors. There is more of me because of this experiment.

What I gained was more focus on them and focus on myself. Learning how to play with them, and learning how to have fun in my life, Reading more to them, and taking up reading for myself. I read to them before, but not like I was when we put the tv away. I stopped telling them to wait and hold on, or I will be right there-and them waiting forever for me. I felt a lot of shame around that. I was making them wait a lot of the time. All because I wasn't taking good care of myself. The computer became my refuge and wasn't really a healthy refuge. It was addictive and really disconnecting me from me...and them. They got used to waiting for me. And that isn't the mother I wanted to be. I wondered how I got there and how it all began because I wasn't the type of person who connected this way. I was feeling a little sorry for myself a little...

My biggest aha moment was...they were my mirror. I was getting tired of looking at them sit in front of the tv, looking disconnected and unhappy, but really I was looking at myself. I was disconnected and unhappy. I projected all of that onto them.

Two days before the eighth day they decided they wanted to extend the experiment for 5 more days. I was surprised. I didn't initiate that. I was concerned because their cousins were coming to visit. I wondered if they were going to want to watch movies. They didn't until the last night they slept over and they just turned it on. After the movie was over they came down and said we watched a movie with a smile. I smiled back at them because I knew. They have the freedom to do so. I loved that they decided on their own and didn't feel it was necessary to talk about it with me.

My time became my refuge. Being awake, not looking to zone out or shut off. I didn't really find reading satisfying as long as I can remember. I actually find joy in reading now. I am on my third book in one month. I was asking for 20 mins of alone time in the house when I was feeling frustrated, still do. When I felt anxious in my body, I stretched or danced, still do. When I worked really hard and I was tired, i allowed myself to lay down and just breath or watch the kids play. And when they asked me to join in, I would respond with mommy is really tired but I will watch you while I lay here. I was making space for myself and my needs. I was also making plans to meet those needs, like going for a bike ride or a hike with a friend. I started sewing. I wanted a hobby. I wanted to create something. Being off the computer allowed me to reconnect with me and really get to know what my needs were and are. I am not on facebook anymore except the one time in the month (which was two days ago I think)to say thank you for my birthday wishes. I wonder if I will go back on. It feels good to not get rid of it because then it would just be easy to say well if it isn't there then i can't go on. But I really want to practice the art of self control or self regulation.

The children played more with their time, they chatted more, they came up with ideas together, they argued, they were outside, they made up scripts and performed...I have to say they were more creative then before... I think.... They were lighter. By the end of the day they were exhausted. They would just pass out. The tv wasn't there to keep them up. I thought that was interesting. This isn't a debate or proof whether tv is better or not. It was just an experiment. They learned something about themselves and that is for themselves. We read a lot still, we play still, they still do all the things they were doing before. They are just really happy people with the freedom to choose what they want to do with their time.

When it starts to bother me when I see them in front of the tv I just turn to myself and ask what do I need to do right now for me in this moment?

Our Own Rhythm

2011-08-31T13:53:00.004-04:00

Summer is coming to an end and it is so hard not to feel like a deadline is on the horizon. We have been home educators intentionally for 5 years now and for some reason this is the first time I feel like school is beginning. I wonder if it has anything to do with dance classes starting up and possibly voice lessons, or planning the fall for the homeschooling group I started. We have such wonderful plans that our children will love because they are filled with their interests.

It is hard to avoid feeling the rhythm the rest of the world dances to. I am finding my body wants to join in on the fun, yet I have so much resistance. It really just isn't the song I can get into. I/We dance to a different drum. And sometimes it feels like I am on the dance floor all alone. Which in some cases is perfect because I have all the space I need. Starting a homeschooling group has been a wonderful gift. We are called Whole Life Learners. Over the summer we were meeting on Wednesdays. Starting Sept we will meet on Thursdays. It feels great to know that we will meet with other families once a week and dance together.

I have to say I have allowed it to take up a lot of my mental space. My mind keeps running and running. I can't make it stop. I want to just slow down and be.

My children are getting older, and their interests are growing. It is only in time that we will inevitably get busier. I want to embrace this difference from the years before. I celebrate their interests. It is wonderful to find ways to expand our knowledge. For example, the other day we were driving home and I saw the woman who walks her horse and pulled over and introduced myself. I told her that my almost 5 yr old wants a pony and has named her pony that she doesn't even have yet. We will now be going to Joan's house and helping her care for her beautiful horse every Monday for an hour. It turns out she is need of some help with her horse because she is getting older and the work is getting harder. It is a beautiful exchange. The kids are elated.

My calendar is filling up beautifully with dance classes for Luna and BellaSky, maybe voice lessons for Trinity, gym class, and horse play(that is what I am calling it) and Thursday WLL gatherings. And I am overwhelmed by the thought of it all.

So how will I remember to care for myself and fill up that self love cup in the midst of all of this? Well I will just have to put it on the calendar.lol I am happy to say I am returning to the first love of my life. Dancing. I will be starting off with one or two classes a week. Floor Ballet and modern dance. I haven't danced in 10 years. I have been talking about going back for 4 yrs now and it's about time I actually did it. It scares the hell out of me and i am so out of shape, but I don't care.

Small injections of self love and care throughout the day and week. Well there is one. It isn't as big as a tattoo or going away for a weekend, it is smaller. Which is what I want to get used to doing for me. It is a start.

So maybe there isn't a deadline for anything starting September. It is a beginning!

Jump

2011-06-14T17:04:00.003-04:00

‎"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin

Isn't it funny how what we want to free ourselves from is the very thing that actually comforts us? Until it hurts too much. Then what? What do you do? You scramble for some familiarity because the idea of change leaves you cemented to the ground. If you try to take one step forward you will fall. Maybe fall to your death.. Ok sorry if this is beginning to sound like some mobster movie.

Standing at a cliff, taking a risk to jump. It is a choice. You can stay there or you can jump off. Risk your life for happiness, change, liberation, growth.... How often do you find yourself there? You come back around full circle to just find yourself in the same spot. Except you are just more tired. You can imagine yourself blossoming and free but then what does that mean? Who will you become, and who will you have to let go of to get there? What piece of yourself will you have to say goodbye to? And why do you hold on so long?

Who do you think the person you are afraid of letting of makes you? And what will the people do around you when you are not that person anymore? What job have you made yourself responsible for that you can't imagine quitting, that you have told yourself people can't do with out? We don't even realize the shackles we put on ourselves. I am sure at one point it protected us, made us feel safe, but what good is protection when it hurts. Thank you for protecting me. But I don't need it anymore.

Jump!

Conversation with Trinity

2011-05-17T21:40:00.003-04:00

Trinity: Mommy, don't you think it is weird for a santa clause to be in the stores. I mean you walk into a store and then there he is...

Me: Yes I guess it is weird when you put it like that. ( realizing that she is right)

Trinity: Why would he be there? Out of all the places why would he choose a store to be in...I feel like they are using the spirit of Christmas to make money. That doesn't feel good. I feel like a long time ago people knew and lived the spirit of Christmas. They remembered the stories of Saint Nicholas. They made their gifts. Now people just shop and shop and they tell their children that is what it is all about.

Me: (really blown away by the conversation) (I have been nodding my head the entire time. right there with her) You are really wise Trinity...it is amazing that you see that and feel that. I feel that is how they commercialize the holiday and make money. People have a choice. When they choose to take pictures with santa, they cherish those pictures and send them to family..We have bought some of your gifts and we know we don't have to wait for a holiday to buy you something. I just can't imagine parents actually telling their kids that Christmas is all about shopping...

Trinity: (cutting me off) well they show them by doing it..(after this comment i was really noticing her strong opinions about this) What I love about Christmas is the giving part more than the getting part. I love seeing the reaction on your face and people's face when I give them something..(she was getting very emotional)

Me: really? that is wonderful feeling. What is making you cry?

Trinity: because this is exactly how i am feeling and i am saying exactly how i feel.

Me: sometimes when we say our truth, so much emotions can come with it...thank you for sharing your truth with me..

I love being a mother. I love these moments with her and hearing her feelings and opinions and thoughts. It is such an honor to guide and support my children.

Through the Storm

2011-04-18T13:26:00.008-04:00

Life is like the process of giving birth. For me at least. While it is exciting, it is hard work. While feelings of euphoria circle your entire auric field and physical body..pure ecstasy...there are things you have go through to get there. I had to walk through the storm to get there. I can't speak for everyone. Towards the end whats called transition, you find yourself at a fork in the road...do you let go or do you keep fighting to hold on? When you finally surrender..you die..because you have to in order to birth your baby and yourself... You will never be the exactly the same again. The most beautiful, most powerful moment. Like a butterfly coming out of a chrysalis. It will never be a caterpillar again.

I find life to be the same way for me. It is a cycle. And within the cycle there are many cycles. Being present will only get you through that one contraction. Thinking of the many contractions to come will only make it all harder. Like in life when things get intense the body will tense up, and if you aren't connected to your body with out even realizing it your body will hold its breath. If you don't take intentional deep breaths the pain will only grow and explore the places in your body that don't have circulation. Then when you feel your body hurting, fear sets in. This is the cycle within the cycle I was speaking of.
FEAR comes in many many forms... Voices that can be your own, projections of others, the news, institutions....It is all monkey chatter. The pain, the fear, the voices will reside there in your body causing you suffering until you relieve it by breathing, by staying connected and listening to only what your body is saying. (In life I call it changing your story)

I am being tested in a way like never before. George has been living in MA. I have been a single parent for the past two months. I am packing up my house. All i have is my breath. (Even while i write this i am feeling really vulnerable.) I am finding things about myself that I never would have known had I not had this opportunity.
Being present wasn't always so hard for me but by not having George around, it has been challenging. I am sometimes connectedly disconnected if that even makes sense. Learning that I can't be everything and everywhere all at the same time for the girls, and for real now that I don't have my beloved partner here with me to co-parent. I have also come to the realization that he was the one taking care of my "inner" child. I put myself in a position where I had no choice. I had to take care of her. That was a bitch. I was very resentful for a while. On top of everything that I am doing I have to take care of her too? That's how i felt. I think her and I have gotten acquainted now. I have been working on being softer and loving with myself. Learning that is no ones job to nurture me but me. So that has been very interesting...The days that I take care of myself well are very different from the days I don't. It is like taking the green or blue pill that Neo took..I can't go back knowing what I know about myself.
I have so much appreciation for the things that George does around the house and I know I am capable of doing it and wonder why i haven't done them before. Also learning that I am not the only one responsible for nurturing of our children. We both have something wonderful to offer them, and deep down inside I know this to be true, but I sometimes get protective. If I keep translating for him and for them they will never learn to navigate their relationship with one another...that one is going to take practice. I need to zip my lip and walk away.I can't guide the kids through every single argument and I am probably not supposed to. ..of course these are just pieces of the whole...
I have been trudging through this emotional storm...when will i see the light...even though there is a date of when we will all be together again-there has been so much time apart that what was has died and now something new is emerging...And we will be learning one another all over again-a new cycle with in the cycle.

Saturday we were driving home from the beach. I was on the phone with George- he was on a lunch break. The kids were watching a movie in the back. There were winds and lightening, huge lightening rods actually..I was shocked. Ginormous black grey cloud to the left of me. I was noticing all these visual things all the while talking with George. My body started to hold its breath. I suddenly had a vision of a tornado coming my way and in a quick second in my vision I said my last goodbyes and I love yous to George and never told the girls about the tornado. Back to reality on the phone with George I said to him, I think there is a tornado coming or happening right now. We talked a little while before he went back to work...I shared my vision with him...He got nervous and told me to turn on the radio...I jumped back with a big NO...he reminded me to listen to my gut.
I was really aware of the the fact that if i told the kids there was a really bad storm let alone a tornado they would have freaked out and it would have been harder for me to figure out what to do. Had I turned on the radio I knew that I would have been injected with fear. So I just kept driving and breathing. There were cars pulled over on the side of the road and under the over pass. It started to rain hard and hail..Big thumps were hitting the car..They noticed it but nothing came of it. I didn't have time to feel scared though I new I was but I just kept breathing. I asked myself do i keep going or do I pull over?
Something was telling me to keep going. And I trusted that. Just keep going I kept saying. I was wondering what would I do if i did see a tornado and for some reason I didn't continue that dialogue. I just kept driving and breathing..After some miles the rain stopped and we came to orange cones and one lane. Firetrucks and police cars..The tornado came through Hwy 40 and I saw the damaged path of the trees and metal scraps and flipped over tractor trailer and cars. My eyes widened and I felt frozen. The path was about a block long. After that I turned on the radio. On every station there were directions on what to do for the tornado. They were telling people to go to cover and protect yourself. I was really grateful for not turning on the radio. I knew what it would have done to me. I am obviously living to tell the story...but when I saw blue skies i felt like getting out and kissing the ground. When i got home i felt the adrenaline kick in..I did end up telling the kids and they were wishing I had told them. I am still glad I didn't. It really is amazing how life works and what comes our way...How in that one hour I was feeling what I have been feeling in these past two months. We always come out on the other side.

A dear friend of mine laughed and said Natalie you take unassisted birth to a whole new level...That felt so good to hear..Most people were saying how and why and you should have done this or that...just like birth...you should give birth this way or that way...But Maria made something that was scary into something that was beautiful and powerful for me, in my experience. She even thanked me for doing it that way. I don't give myself a lot of credit because I don't know how to. I want to start trying. So thank you Maria for giving me that gift in taking my first step..

Right now I feel like I can get through anything just like I felt after giving birth. I am fierce and powerful and I have an amazing intuition and I trust my body. When giving birth to BellaSky and Luna I trusted that if something was wrong I would be the first to know. With Trinity's birth I learned that when there are too many people telling what to do I can't hear what my body needs. I work hard and I am grateful for my breath. I am an amazing mother. I will be forever learning and growing and rebirthing myself..I will die and come back a million times. I am a rock and I am a feather, I am masculine and I am feminine, I am the yin and the yang..I am the dark and the light..I want to keep going and I will never stop pushing down walls and barriers ...I will never stop being just where I am supposed to be..i am thankful for all that I am. I love that little girl in me and am grateful for her...
Life will always have storms, emotional and physical....with respect and grace i will always get through it...and my breath will always guide me..

Trinity's moving pictures project

2011-03-31T11:14:00.003-04:00

Our homeschooling group concentrated on moving pictures this month. Yesterday the kids made moving picture movies. Trinity loves Halloween sooo much. So when she had to choose what her story was going to be about, it was easy for her to decide. Trinity and her friend Valarie, partnered up and created The Ghost and Bat Save Halloween. They were very focused on this project. They took turns moving the characters and taking pictures. After a while they asked me to take the pictures. This job takes a lot of patience. I can't believe how long it took and how determined they were. When they had different ideas they worked through them. Trinity is very attached to any ideas she has, especially having anything to do with creating something. I was interested in seeing how this was going to work for her as far as sharing ideas with someone else. At one point Valarie wanted to make the bat and ghost fight over the map b/c she thought it would be funny. At first Trinity was holding onto the idea of it being serious and then realized it would be funny after all.They were very happy with the entire experience. All the children worked really hard on their movies. It was a lot of fun to watch their faces watching their hard work.

The slideshow setting speed is set to 1 sec. but it still isn't fast enough. So you can press forward really fast to capture the movie. Enjoy!

Free slideshow customized with Smilebox

Mistakes and Apologies

2011-03-17T14:29:00.008-04:00

When I think back as a child. I have lots of memories of Love, intense love. I also have memories of intense pain and sadness. I can't change those things, and i am not trying to. It all makes me who I am today. I wonder sometimes though, what would an "I'm sorry" feel like and look like? How would that have landed on me? What would be different in me today? My purpose for writing is not to go down memory lane nor place blame. My parents did the best they could with what they had. All of them.

My father sent an email to me and my sisters about a website that teaches math. A little bit of history..My dad wasn't the greatest person when it came to helping us with math. He wasn't very nice. He always lost his patience. He was scary. He would yell at us if we used our fingers. We would be afraid to answer questions because if we got it wrong then he would get really mad. His eyes would get big and then talk through is his teeth. It wasn't fun at all..So for as long as i can remember we have teased him about it.

In this email he explains a little about the website -learning at your own pace, and he jokingly acknowledges that it is better then learning from him. He ends the email with 'sorry for being so mean'.

In all the times we laughed and made light of how he was with us with math, he would joke back with us and laugh at himself. We weren't looking for an apology, at least not for this. After reading his words, I really felt it in my body. It made me take a deep breath. It really healed something in me. It validated me and I felt seen. My inner child felt seen. She felt her self worth. She felt loved. I shared my feeling with him and thanked him. One of my other sisters responded to his apology too the same way. I have to say I think we all felt it. And it meant so much to me. I am grateful for that. And I love him more for it.

I make mistakes. I react sometimes too. I loose my patient. The one thing that I do when that does happen is I own up to my mistake and I apologize to my kids. I let them know that they don't deserve how I just treated them. I tell them that no one should treat them that way not even me. I know I am pieces and have pieces of all who raised me, along with with my blue prints. I work really hard to keep that shit to the side and not let it get in the way of loving them the way they deserve. I wait to deal with it later, or request a couple of minutes if I can't be present for them in that moment. When later comes i ask myself what is it about this situation that really bothers me. What is underneath it? After processing it I figure out why I was triggered. Sometimes I can do it on the spot and sometimes it takes a while. What they deserve is my authenticity. That takes getting to know me and my own personal boundaries. And when it is the unarguemental truth they really respond to it. They get it. When I am prancing around it and am unsure,they see right through the bullshit. Then in return it feels like they are pressing all my buttons...but that is for another post..

All I know is it felt so good to read the words 'I'm Sorry'. And something did shift inside of me. That is all children want. That is all they ask for.~To love and to be Loved...See me in my own uniqueness- know that i am a very sensitive person and this is not ok, or just know what my needs are....and I have a right to feel as I do- with out repercussions.

It is all a gift.

Sweet Words on a Hike

2011-03-14T22:43:00.004-04:00

There are just certain things I really want to remember..

We went on a hike yesterday. This trail is a very special trail. It runs along the Eno River. The last time we were there BellaSky came up with our call for our family..Every time she saw a root she would say loudly A ROOT! A ROOT! After a couple of times we repeated after her "a root" which turned into AROOOOOOOOOOOOT! So when they would go far ahead of me and I couldn't see them I would holler AROOOOOOOOOOT! then they would say it back to me so I would know they weren't too far ahead. It was pretty cool.

So this time, while they were ahead of me, Luna and I had a very sweet conversation. She asked me where I came from. I was a little shocked by her question because it is such a complex question. I think the other two asked me after 3yrs old I think.. I can't even remember. One of my challenges is simplifying answers. George usually gently reminds me 'too much info' when i go off on my tangents... He would have been proud this time.

I repeated the question back to her...

Me: where did I come from?

Luna: yeah

Me: where do you think I came from?

Luna: your mommy!

I had two reactions..one was Phew! thank god I don't have to to think so hard how to make those words smaller-she did it for me.....and the other one was...What! I was amazed that she said that.

Me: yes I came from my mommy

Luna: what's your mommy's name?

Me:Veronica

Luna: Beronica?

Me:Yes

Luna: I miss her I want to smell her

We laughed

Me: where did you come from?

Luna: mommy!

Me: yes you did

Luna: and daddy....

We hugged hard...

The art of Self Love as a daily practice

2011-03-12T12:32:00.011-05:00

It is interesting how the process of ideas unfold in the body. They start off as an idea in your mind quietly (at least this one did). To saying it out loud. To saying it as if you are living it-the trying it on stage(like an outfit)...does it fit? wearing it for a while to see how it feels. To owning it. and onto a way of living....

I am at the trying it on stage right now...and just so you know..i know this is what i should be doing..habits are hard to break...

I am known to lay on my kitchen floor and stare at the ceiling and ask myself....what do i want to do? What is going to make me happy right now? "The kids don't need me right now, they are involved and focused on what ever they are doing at the time. What do I like?"

Life has shifted from baby to older children. I don't have any babies anymore. Luna is 2 and she is still a baby, but she isn't an infant..this is such a new stage in my life. No more babies.. Due to this shift there is more space.

A moment to just lay with my thoughts is the best gift I can give myself. Time feels like it stops for just a moment. I am able to think of me in that moment. For me, that is self love. I may not know what the answer is, but I am able to breath deep and have a quiet mind.

I am also known to forget to take that moment and lay on the kitchen floor. I pace the house wondering what to do next and which child will need what, clean and put things away-which is loving my house but I am aware that sometimes my motivation behind it is to keep myself moving and to distract myself from what ever it is I am feeling- that is not self love. I have a clean room or house but my well is still empty and on top of that then I am mentally drained from all the energy I just put into avoiding self love.

I truly believe this whole self love thing takes practice. It is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. It is very weak. The other thing that I am aware of is if I am not sure how to love myself, or take the time to love myself then how can I model this for my little women, and what is it that i am modeling? What are they learning from watching me?

(Big breath)

Which brings me back to laying on the kitchen floor. Everyday they wake up and they naturally do the things that bring them happiness, that brings them joy. They feel so good inside themselves. They are modeling it for me everyday! I want to do these things too, I want to do something that makes me happy..But what is that? SO I lay on the kitchen floor.

I have been practicing the act of remembering to think of me in the morning. Even if i come up with nothing I still have that moment of quiet mind. That is my intention.

So onto self discovering the things that make me happy.

I love to write. That is what i am doing right now..They are playing and not needing me at this moment. Sharing this makes me happy inside. Luna is calling me..until next time.

Birthing From Within Journey Will Continue

2011-03-11T13:22:00.005-05:00

In April 2008, I went to The Farm in TN and took the Birthing From Within training with Pam England. I facilitated my first class while 6 months pregnant that lasted 6 weeks with two beautiful couples. I was on a high for a while. I started my business Beholding Spirit in June 2009 and worked nonstop until the day before Thanksgiving. It was an amazing ride and......I burnt myself out. I learned a lot about myself and my business and boundaries and self care..

I had the pleasure of working with so many amazing couples. I love love love empowering women in connecting with self, and working with couples, and of course talking birth.

The first day of class I end the class with a couples dance to the song playing, Tracy Chapman. It always makes me tear up.. Watching them connect and giggle and love every moment of it. Life is busy for them and the birthing class helped them slow down, even stop time for a moment and appreciate one another and their growing baby... most importantly look in each others eyes. The smallest things we forget to do that goes such a long way. It also makes me think of George and our journey of parenting and partnership.

I look forward to the move, getting to know and work with expecting parents again and doing my work again.

I also look forward to dancing to this song with George again.

Checking in 2011

2011-03-05T15:47:00.004-05:00

Hellooo again...I would like to say I am back but i am not really sure if that is the case. I just felt like writing..I really miss writing. I also learned something about myself. I have a need to be witnessed. To be seen. To be met. Met where I am. I feel so empty right now.. I need to fill up my well with lots of fresh spring water..I think i am also dehydrated..lol

Right now the girls are with my best friend Mai. She took them to the park while I rest a bit. I have been less than 100% for the past two weeks. I can not kick this cold which is very odd for my body. But it would make sense b/c i am not home. We have been up north visiting family for the past three weeks. I also had three days of amazing training up at Shalom Mountain. There is something chaotic about not being in your own space, especially with free range children. I have had to be ON.
In between the chaos I had the pleasure of hanging out with unschooling families. Jen and her family and Abe and his family. It was like a breath of fresh air. Feeling myself again felt really good. I do look forward to going home tomorrow. Even Luna is asking to go home.

I am going home to pack...That was just brought to my attention two days ago. SO let me back up a bit. We are moving to Western Massachusetts. George is already there. He transferred and started Trader Joe's last Monday. I will be going back with the girls to Durham....to pack..basically. Who's idea was this? Oh right, mine. Yeah...me and my grand ideas. We will be living apart for the almost 2 months. It is already hard. Our house is on the market. I am crossing ever fiber in my body that we sell. Please cross your fingers too for us.

Sitting in transition. Everything is so unfamiliar. just 3 weeks ago I felt like I was on top of the world and now I just feel so disconnected. I just want to close my eyes and just be there with George. Or maybe just be home...I think just being home is going to feel better. This isn't something i can really make sense about. So I am not even going to try.

Today Trinity and BellaSky and Luna found these amazing stones under Mai's tree. One of them looks like a rose quartz. Trinity was very excited..They collected not so normal stones under a tree. They made signs and separated the large stones from the small and medium size ones to sell. They sat out there yelling "Crystals for sale!" Trinity was wondering why no one was buying any...She was determined though. She stayed out there for a while in the wind. BellaSky visited her and helped sell too. Luna came in asking for a penny so she could buy one. So Trinity did end up having customers. And they were her sisters. It was very sweet. We did learn how those stones ended up under that tree, which is odd because we were here last summer and those stones weren't there, but any how the person that lived here before Mai emptied out his fish tank under that tree...That explains why those beautiful stones were there. These stones lead us into talking about birthstones..Trinity was very beside herself when she learned that her stone was a Pearl..BellaSky is Sapphire and Luna is Garnet..

I look forward to seeing our sweet friends back home in NC and spending as much time as possible before we move. It will be bittersweet for sure. I look forward to playing in the beautiful weather. We already have plans to go to two playgrounds, hiking to our mountain(huge boulder) and getting loco pops...So far so good. It is amazing how much more you love something when you are going to leave it.

Labor Day

2010-09-17T23:42:00.003-04:00

So tomorrow is BellaSky's birthday. I went into labor around 11pm tonight 4 yrs ago. I birthed her unassisted. I knew before I conceived her that I was going unassisted. I think that is why she chose me. She is person who knows what she wants and how she wants it. It was an amazing experience. Very powerful for me.

So last year for her third birthday, the birthday fairies came and decorated the living room. Not too much though, BellaSky didn't like a big deal made out of her. Seriously.
We get out of bed and all walk into the living room. I am watching her reaction to the streamers. She has a smile on her face..I say" Happy birthday baby!" She makes this huge grunt and screams away..Trinity and I look at each other. Trinity says to me, "I guess she didn't like that." I felt soooo bad. I felt like I messed it all up. I got so excited. It just fell out. I didn't know she was going to feel that way. We gave her space and everything was fine after that...
SO, this year, today, BellaSky says to me.."mommy, you can't say happy birthday to me until I am wearing my dress ok?" I said OK! then she says make sure you tell daddy and Trinity. I went up to her and asked her," do you want the birthday fairies to come and decorate for you..She smiled a big smile and said YES! then she said birthday fairies aren't real..i said, I am a birthday fairy and I am real..she laughed.
I love that she can tell me what she wants and needs. She trusts that I will listen. I feel so honored to have you in my life..Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy BellaSky. It has been an amazing journey these last 4yrs..Looking forward to many many more. You have taught me so much. "I love you more then the whole wide universe!"

How to Intervene:The Safety of Kids is Everybody's Business

2010-09-06T15:28:00.003-04:00

This is the article I read over a year ago. There are many more...The link is on the right under Jan Hunt's website.

How to Intervene:
The Safety of Kids is Everybody's Business

by Irene van der Zande,
Kidpower Executive Director

Personal safety for children depends largely on adults doing what they can to help.

I often ride my bike through a large park. The path to the beach is sometimes peacefully empty, sometimes crowded with families, and sometimes isolated with only a drunk man or two stumbling out of the bushes. The latter gentlemen I always wave to cheerfully, but their behavior occasionally makes me glad I know self-defense.

One day, I saw a very little girl, barely walking and clutching her doll, wandering apparently alone. I looked around but could see no one at that moment except for two women on a trail to the side far in the distance.

I stopped and the little girl came trustingly towards me and said, "Hi! I'm Annie!"

"Where's your Mommy, Annie?" I asked.

She pointed towards the two women, who waved at her. Absorbed in their conversation, the two women then turned their backs and started to walk quickly down the trail, leaving Annie alone except for me.

Personal safety for children can be compromised by many factors; there are so many different kinds of hazards in the world for an unsupervised toddler that I couldn't bear to leave her. "Annie, show me how quick you can run to your Mommy," I said. Doll tucked under her arm, she started running towards the women, but her baby legs couldn't possibly catch up.

I called out to the women and they stopped just around the bend of the trail, almost out of sight.
"You keep doing a good job of running and we'll wait for you, Annie," I told the little girl.

Then I rode my bike up to the women, glancing back to make sure Annie was still on her way to us.

The two women stood there silently looking at me uncertainly.

Acknowledge
the feelings
of the adult in a
respectful way.

With all the warmth and kindness that I could muster, I started talking. "Thank you for stopping. I don't mean to be rude, but there are news stories about all sorts of awful things that happen to kids and I don't want them to happen to Annie. I feel scared when you let her get so far from you. This is a beautiful place and I think you feel safe here because we are in nature. But I have had some scary incidents with men myself here. Anyway, young children need you right next to them all the time everywhere. Personal safety for children depends on adults. You can't believe how quickly they can get hurt by doing things that would never occur to us."
The women thanked me, and we kept talking until Annie caught up with us.

This situation was clear, but sometimes it's tough to know when to step in and when to mind our own business. It's hard to know what to say. When we see situations that might be dangerous or abusive for children, we often hesitate to speak up. We worry about whether we have the right to interfere. After all, these are not our children. We also worry about making the situation worse for the child.
I have come to believe that personal safety for children is always everybody's business. Child abuse and neglect thrive when people mind their own business instead of taking action when they can.

To intervene successfully and safely in order to promote personal safety for children, we first need to notice what is happening, and try to have compassion for the adult as well as for the child. People do get overwhelmed. People often lack child management skills. People are often damaged by things that happened to them and have poor boundaries. Most of us are not born knowing how to take care of ourselves or each other.

The most effective approach is usually to acknowledge the feelings of the adult in a respectful way and then state our concerns in a positive way. If we become attacking, we will most likely make the problem bigger, not better.

With permission, we might offer to carry something for an exhausted adult, or entertain the child for a few minutes to give the adult a break. I usually carry stickers and crayons in my bag just to have something easy to give a child to do.

Personal safety
for children is
everyone's business.

If a parent is screaming at a child, we might say something like, "It looks like you are having a hard time. It is hot and crowded here, isn't it. I am wondering if there is anything I can do to help." My experience is that people are often hungry for kindness and embarrassed, but appreciative. People might get annoyed, but realizing that their behavior is noticed by others usually makes them more likely to control themselves.
On a couple of occasions, I have literally stopped people from slapping their young children. In one situation, a little boy had wandered out of an open front door and I was bringing him back to his mother. In the other, a little girl had slipped through the railing around a cliff while her babysitter was sitting on a bench, and I had called out to the woman to grab the child before she fell.

Both times, the adults had their hands raised to hit but I stepped in very close and distracted them by saying very sympathetically and firmly, "Hi. I can see that you feel upset because that was scary, but your little one is too young to understand. I believe that kids learn the wrong things when you hit them." Both times, the women didn't hit, looked surprised, and we talked some more.
Once I waited by a car in the middle of a huge parking lot where two young children were playing in the back seat with no adult in sight. When their father got back, I said, "Hi, I know you are busy, but I am sure that you must really care about your children. I felt afraid when I saw them left alone like this." He looked startled, but then thanked me.

Of course, if we suspect that serious child abuse is occurring, it is each of our responsibility to report our concerns to the appropriate authority in our area.

Personal safety for children is everyone's business. Kidpower's underlying principle is that the safety and self esteem of a child are more important than anyone's embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense. By setting aside our own discomfort about speaking up and by risking the displeasure of someone else when we do it, we are sending a powerful message to young people that their well-being is our top priority.

Copyright © 2009 Irene van der Zande of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International. Kidpower is an educational charitable organization that, since 1989, has brought "People Safety" education to over 1.2 million children, teenagers, and adults, including those with special needs, from many different cultures - close to home and around the world. For publications; free articles, podcasts and e-newsletter; and information about our services and locations, please visit www.kidpower.org

Compassion at the Museum

2010-09-05T22:38:00.003-04:00

We went to the museum a couple of days ago, I wanted to write what happened that night but I fell asleep and then...well you know how it goes..
We just arrived and Trinity wanted to go to the store first this time( we usually go somewhere in the middle of our visit)It is very much organized by them. This was out of our routine.
We're looking at rocks and magnets. There was a mom there with two children, twins, they must have been almost 2 at least, maybe a little older. They were both playing near the truck and car table with BellaSky and Luna. One kept tripping over BellaSky's feet. BellaSky was feeling a little frustrated about it. It was a small space between the table and the chairs. He was trying very hard to get to the trucks. The mother kept yelling at him to watch out. I helped BellaSky with finding a space where it won't happen again. Then the daughter runs behind the counter and the mom is so shocked that she did that and yells at her like she is supposed to know that wasn't allowed or something. It was very shocking to hear her speak that way to little ones. While she is there at the counter, she is yelling her sons name while he was playing, telling him to go to her. She then starts yelling at her daughter again. This yelling goes on for like 5 to 7 mins. Her son starts to wander out of the store to play with what is outside of it. So Luna and I walk over to make sure he doesn't leave by just saying hi and playing with the dinosaur puppets. Trinity comes to me and starts crying and asking me why she is talking to her babies that way, and that it is really hurting her and how can a mommy be mad at them they are just babies.. I agreed it was hard to hear her speak to them that way. I went back to the truck table where BellaSky was and continued to console Trinity. I was explaining to her that it is sad to witness that. I felt sad too and my belly was hurting hearing her speak that way. I affirmed that it wasn't ok to talk to children that way. I also explained to her that it looked like the mom was feeling really overwhelmed with one child walking one way and the other was walking the other way. It doesn't make it ok, but sometimes we say things we don't mean, or we don't even realize we sound that way. She kept crying for those children..I finally said maybe she needs some help, maybe we can help her. Trinity's eyes lit up and said yes with relief. So we walked out of the store and found her still yelling for her daughter to come to her. I smiled and said, "hi. I told her it is so hard when you are out numbered. I have children like to go in different directions too..can we help you? I know it is hard and it can be frustrating at times. Let us help..."
She smiled and seemed embarrassed but didn't refuse. I walked over to her son who was walking away, to lead him in the direction she wanted to go in(which was out of the museum) and press the wheelchair access button to open the door. Trinity goes to him and talks to to him and help him push the button. She begins to yell at him again for running towards the button, I turned to her and said compassionately, he isn't trying to upset you, he thinks it is fun to push the button.
She said surrendering, I know..I don't have an extra diapers and he sitting in poop and.......she just lets it all out. I touch her shoulder and just felt so much love for her...when we think we are prepared something else happens...

By the time we got outside the daughter wanted to be held and the boy wanted to run, but she grabbed his hand. The he wanted to be held. She told him to walk but then Trinity offered to hold Luna while I held her bag to the car so she could hold both of them, but she said no thank you. Thanked us for helping. She was very nice. We parted with smiles.

Trinity felt better. I felt better. Trinity and I talked about it a little. I was really aware of not talking more then I needed to about what happened. So instead I just waited. She told me she was glad we helped and glad she stopped yelling at them. I told her I was glad too. I told her we all need support sometimes and help letting out our feelings. She then went back to playing in the store.

I have to say that I felt better too just being there. It was better then being apart of all the people staring at her and making faces. I probably had a face too, or maybe my eyes just bulging out of my head. I remembered an article I read about mothers helping mothers in situations like that. That gave me permission to just go up to her...and Trinity had something to do with that as well. She is so amazing. I don't know what us being there did for her, but at least for that moment she wasn't alone.

My Mother

2010-08-03T11:50:00.002-04:00

She had a laugh that was loud and contagious, when she sang I got chills all over my body, her love was as fierce as her anger, and...she was beautiful....she was my mother. Our children choose us, which means I chose you. Growing up I was always reminded of how I was like you and i hated it. Now....I love knowing I am you. All I needed were people who embraced my laugh, encourage me to sing, and hold the space for my intense love and anger. I am fierce. I don't apologize for it. I have people in my life who remind me that I am beautiful when I don't believe it. I am an amazing mother and I know what not to do but I can allow myself the space to go there when it gets hard. Which makes me realize that you had none of what I have. Community, support, and unconditional love. Rest in peace mom. Light and Blessings to you, mom.

I am THAT Mom

2010-07-27T20:26:00.004-04:00

I have cried and laughed reading all the beautiful 'I am that mom/dad' blog post..I was inspired and wanted to jump on the train.

Big Breath...here we go.

I am that mom.
I am that mom who will go up to the owner of a restaurant or grocery store and educate them on what Styrofoam does to our sea turtles because Trinity and BellaSky are heart broken and determined to save them. I am that mom who will go to a salon to dye (at the time) my 6 yr olds hair blue because she wanted to see what it was like. Knowing I was going to get really bad looks from other parents and doesn't care. I am that mom who is ok with BellaSky going outside in the winter with out a jacket because I trust that if she were cold she would tell me. I always carry a jacket with me just in case.

I am that mom who wakes up a couple of times in the middle of the night to tickle BellaSky's feet to help her go back to sleep. I am that mom who will read two different books at the same time b/c it is the only thing that will make them happy at that moment. I am that mom who will drive 10 hours to NJ with three girls and stop as much as they want to because the drive sucks and they need to move. I am that mom who will listen deeply to my children when they are sad, mad, in rage. I don't have to say anything to them. I am that mom who can just hold them in that space and not feel like I have to fix it. I am that mom who respects when they don't want a kiss or a hug or to be touched. I am that mom who teaches them boundaries by listening to theirs and my own. I am that mom who will ask them when they are playing if they are ok with the situation at hand, to remind them of their own voice. I am that mom who talks to the girls about how important and sacred their body is, and celebrates it with them. I am that mom who knows and trusts deeply with her own being that this life that we live is what is best for my girls.

I am that mom who knows that there is no such thing as a script. We change our mind, our emotions and we can be fluid in all of it and accept and love ourselves fully. I am a mom who is on this journey of learning self care and self love. I am a mom who is tired and is learning how to say no when I know I can't do it, and be ok with that. I am a mom who is learning how to be gentle with myself when I am not living up to the standards that i put myself under. I am a mom who has the opportunity to relive my childhood with my girls and gets to heal old stories, and feels the freedom and that freedom pours onto my family. I am a mom who fiercely knows that my girls are the future and I want them to love big and be big and feel big. I am mom who is raising women.

I am THAT Mom.

It has been a while...

2010-05-05T22:56:00.004-04:00

So I was really not into facebook b/c i felt that I had my little blog. this was all i needed. I resisted for a really long time and then whoosh! I was sucked right in. Facebook! I wish there wasn't one. It is very addicting.
Anyway I wished my grandmother a happy 87th birthday today. Natly, she says, (that is how she pronounces my name. the only person in the world that is allowed to say it that way.) "I can't do facebook, i don't get it. Gina ( my mom) says I can see everyone( the grand kids) on there, but i don't know how to do that stuff..I miss reading your blog. You told stories and put pics on it. It was so easy. I check back sometimes to see if you added anything."

Grandmama I love you so much. Happy Birthday!

I have been wanting to write again. I feel like there is more space to do it. So when you check back you can read stories again and see the girls.

BellaSky's Friend

2009-12-05T13:10:00.003-05:00

SO we were sitting on the couch nursing and she says I speak to your mom but she isn't an adult she is a kid like me. (My mother died three years ago)I was really caught off guard. I say oh really...what do you talk about? she says our favorite animals...and she list all of them...while she is listing them, i am thinking in my head unicorns...right after that thought she said cows and uuuuunicorns and pegasises...my body just melted...I asked what is her (my mom)favorite animal, BellaSky's response was..uuuunicorns.
My mother loved unicorns. I am happy that she is playing with BellaSky...I miss you mom.

Halloween

2009-11-04T14:39:00.001-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Saving The Sea Turtles

2009-10-06T22:49:00.003-04:00

Trinity came to me 2 weeks ago and said she wanted to raise money for the animals. I asked which animals she wanted to raise money for.. She said all of them..After talking for a while she narrowed it down to sea turtles, gorillas, and fostering dogs..I am not so sure we can do the dog thing just yet...
She made fundraiser party invitations for all of her friends with pictures of sea turtles on them. I can't believe it is almost here. The party is this Friday. She wanted to share with them everything they can do to save the turtles. So she has been practicing what to say when her friends come. Two days ago she got to practice with a friend of ours who asked her what the fundraiser was about. She told her everything..She was so proud of herself that she remembered it all.

Today we went out to lunch, just the two of us. It was very special. The Chinese restaurant used styrofoam plates. When the food came Trinity freaked out and said,"Mom we need to tell them! They need to know what this does to the sea turtles.."
Trinity says "First we need to be polite and tell them that we like their food, then tell them that they shouldn't use Styrofoam."
I started laughing when she said that.
As we were eating I started to feel some anxiety around her telling them. I wasn't sure how they were going to respond or not respond to her. She has become so passionate about this, I wasn't sure if they were going to receive her the way any of our friends would. This would be her first time educating someone other then our friends...
I found myself rushing after a while and kind of hoping she would forget. As I was gathering up our stuff she got up and went right toward the front counter. I followed crossing my fingers and being hopeful...

She went right up to her and quietly said, "I have something to tell you"
woman-what?(and looks at me)
me- she has some feedback for you.
(the women looks back at Trinity)
Trinity-mommy you tell her
Me- you can tell her.
woman- it is ok to tell me, you can tell me
Trinity- i liked your food
woman- thank you i hope to see you again soon
Trinity- but there was something that i didn't like
woman- oh yeah what is that?
Trinity-foam, you are using foam
(the woman starts nodding her head)
Trinity- that foam hurts the earth and the sea turtles
woman- i know i know i know what you are saying. you know when we had the drought they came to me and told me we couldn't use the amount of water we were using. we had to change to these plates. when i eat i use silverware and glass plates and i wash them
(the woman looks at me) they try to get rid of one problem and create another
(then she looks back at trinity)
i hope you come back and when you do order take out. we don't use the foam.
Trinity smiled.

She felt so good after that. I felt so relieved after that. It was a good experience. Looking back now I am surprised and not surpirsed I felt anxiety. No body wants our children to feel rejected..But would she have? Or would that have been my experience..It is amazing how our own stories/baggage can just come walking in at any given moment. I know that I can't control how people respond to her. I can only be present in the moment with her in her feelings and answer any question she would have honestly. I would only respond to her reaction. Not mine. I want to support her with what ever she is passionate about regardless of how she is received.
I am so proud of her. She has amazing courage. She is my hero...

Can't wait to make a sea turtle calzones on Friday!!!!!!!

Trinity BLUE

2009-09-19T23:53:00.002-04:00

Trinity had been asking for a while if I could dye her hair blue. My answer was sure if that is what you really want. When I asked her why she felt like doing this she said because it would be fun. I had planed on getting manic panic but her hair is so dark you wouldn't have been able to see it. She didn't want a wash out or fake clip-ons. She wanted the real deal. Of course she would why would she want anything different. I felt it was important to support her in her self expression. I explained to her the darkness of her hair and that if she wanted to see it it would need to be stripped. She also expressed that she wanted to pay for it herself with her birthday money. I said all the better. She has more money that we do these days. I called around and compared prices. It was cheaper then I expected. Off to the salon. I made an appoiintment as well to get a trim. We made it a girls day out.

She drew a picture to show the woman how she wanted it done. The woman, Sarah recommended that she do it differently and was looking at me to get her to change her mind. I explained to Trinity what she was meaning and Trinity said no I want it like the picture. And that is what Sarah did. And she didn't refer to me anymore after that. Trinity ask lots of questions. It was so cool to watch the interaction between them. Some people talk about homeschooled children not being socialized or not having enough socialization. I feel for the most part homeschooled/unschooled children are very socialized. My child is not afraid to look at an adult in the eye and speak or not speak if she so chooses. She is socializing all of the time, everywhere we go.
By the end it took a total of two hours. She was very ready to leave the last 20 minutes. But we played, sang, read, and talked to pass the time. She was very excited and happy with her hair. It looks really cool. It made me want to dye my hair the same way.

We have gone out and have gotten mixed reactions. Some think it is awesome and some not so awesome. They look at us as if we are unfit parents. But that is ok. We all make different choices. We believe she has the right to express herself and encourage that.
She loves telling people that her middle name is Blue just like her hair.

Growing Chicks

2009-08-07T23:29:00.005-04:00

Luna loves the ducks and books
she is just a breath of fresh air

trying to crawl

do you ever just tear up looking at your children

Our visits to NJ

2009-08-07T22:22:00.009-04:00

We have had such a summer. I can't believe it is almost over. I have to admit I am looking forward to cooler weather. It is just way to hot to be outside.
We visited NJ in June for Trinity's 6th Birthday. It was her wish to have a pool party at Grandpa and Gigi's house.

she wanted a pink and blue cake with a butterfly and a dolphin

BellaSky and their cousin Jaden

Her friends Charlotte and Jackson

Their other cousin Talia on the bottom left and we are missing their other cousin Noah-he was away that weekend.

Trinity taught herself how to swim in a like a day-she was finally ready and determined.

Then we visited NJ again in July for my dads surprise 50th birthday party..yes I have a dad that young... That was alot of fun..Go Yankees!!

All the women in his life minus our sister Jessica who couldn't come. She lives in Hawaii and our brother Chris who couldn't come either.

this is my entire family minus the two siblings,including our spouses, partners and fiances..and grandmama and it just keeps growing..

his grandchildren...

We miss you all so much.

Trinity's Words

2009-07-06T22:23:00.002-04:00

Tonight before she fell asleep, she said:
"People don't need a map to tell them how to get there, they have their brains.
People don't need to ask for help if they get lost. All they need is their hearts.
We are all special."
An hour prior to this she kept telling me that she was feeling something really weird and she didn't know what it was. BUT it was very important. I told her when she figured it out to tell me, I will listen.

I wonder if that is what it was.

Laughter Yoga

2009-07-05T22:53:00.004-04:00

I was talking to my dear friend Margie from NJ. We met almost 10 years ago in the Deaf Studies Program. Wow I can't believe 10 years has past. Anyway, we were laughing partners. We would laugh and laugh and laugh. We could not stop laughing. We would pee our pants we'd laugh so hard. Since I have moved we always say we miss laughing together. It isn't the same over the phone. She just told me about this site called Laughter Yoga International. I love it so much I feel like I want to become an instructor.. This world is getting too heavy. We all need to laugh more..Really Laugh. When was the last time you laughed from your belly?
Smiling and laughing is the best medicine.

Some thoughts

2009-07-05T21:46:00.005-04:00

BellaSky will be three in September. I can not remember what Trinity was like at this age. It really doesn't matter anyway. It isn't like the experience will benefit me with BellaSky because they are totally two different beings. BellaSky is such a strong independent person. Sometimes I forget she is two. Then when times are hard and boy have they been hard in the last three days, I have to remind myself she is two. I have gotten so used to being a certain mother with Trinity and then having to change myself and be a different mother to BellaSky doesn't always flow. I actually should give myself more credit because there are weeks where there are smooth fluid days and then there are not and that is ok.
She screams when she is angry. She doesn't want to express herself with words. She wants nothing to do with anyone when she is angry and I feel like she is always angry but I know that is not true. She expresses her anger in a way that I was probably not allowed to express it which makes it hard to watch sometimes. She is not the type of child that wants love or cuddles offered. It pisses her off more. SO I have learned that on more then one occasion.
She had a very hard moment today. She asked me to get away and so I did. And she cried and cried. It was hard, she really didn't want me. I peaked in every now and again. Then i could feel the shift and I sat on the couch. I felt helpless and neutral at the same time if that is even possible. It was wonderful to trust that she will let me now what she needs next and like I wanted to just hug her. I wonder where it all comes from for her. The fact she didn't want to talk about it made me feel she is holding it all in. On the contrary, she released by screaming and crying. All she wanted was milk. She laid in my arms sweating and with blotchy face and I looked at her. i said in more ways then one BellaSky you are showing me how to be a different mommy to you and sometimes I don't think I am doing a good job. She was half asleep and she just put her hand over my mouth. Too many words I guess. I said in my body that I am listening. She fell asleep.
I can sit here and say she is this and that and label her as what ever else, but the moment I take a stand on thinking that I know who she is, is the moment I close the door to learning who she is and who she will become. I want to shift my mind body and soul and not look at her say this is her personality, but be able to say this is what happened today. That is it, this is just what happened today. Tomorrow will be something different, it might even be the same but that doesn't matter.
I feel like that is how the suffering story happens in our mind. I add it to my own story about myself and it adds onto her story about herself. I hope this is making sense. Instead I can look at it for that moment and move through it mindfully and presently. As easily as I exhale is as easy as I can move through the day. I don't hold on to it. And I mean that in way where for example as while I was holding her sleeping, I shared all of my thoughts and emotions and fears even tears with George, but then I let it go. It didn't attach itself to me or her. I feel the pain but I don't allow myself nor her to suffer from it.

She is an amazing being. She knows so well what she needs. Do I know so well what I need? hmmmmmm......

Everyone Meet George

2009-07-03T14:03:00.006-04:00

His mind has been filled with so many ideas for a really long time. He has finally created the space to bring them to life and on top of that feel good about sharing them with you...I have to say it is my favorite website.:) I love his work.
Here is his blog:
http://www.livelifeartgeorge.blogspot.com/

Radiant Luna & Mama

2009-06-11T04:43:00.009-04:00

Two little fairies sprinkled us!

I love 5am. The sounds of birds chirping, and the sound of Luna drinking milk while gazing sleepy eyes at me. This our alone time and I am loving every minute of it.

Why didn't we grow Brussel Sprouts?

2009-06-11T04:26:00.006-04:00

Don't you just love the smell of onions cooking? How about the lingering smell on your fingers?

Brussel Sprouts!! Here comes the Chard..

Add minced or chopped garlic at the end for about 2 min.

As Trinity and BellaSky would say...TADAAAAA!

Chard, Broccoli and KALE Oh My

2009-06-05T22:36:00.013-04:00

I am so happy with our garden. It has been so wonderful to go outside when ever we need some food and harvest it, which has been alot. The girls have had such a wonderful experience and to know that they will remember this when they are adults warms me up inside. We could be one of those families in MotherEarth News Magazine. I am so happy to be able to give it to them. BellaSky eats everything from our garden. She ate an entire swiss chard plant. It is her favorite season for fresh fruit and raw veggies. She says,"Go outside, eat broccoli?" and she is naked...when is she not naked?

We harvested the first batch of broccoli..I have never experienced the taste of fresh broccoli, it was actually very peppery. George said that is how he remembers it in Portugal at his grandmothers house.
Two types of kale and swiss chard...Very yummy!

Pizza with lightly sauteed shallots and swiss chard and broccoli..It was almost gone before I took the picture.

More broccoli shooting up

Sauteed broccoli, tomatoes, garlic and onions with quinoa

We harvested the rest of the sugar snap peas. We did leave some on there so we can save the seeds for a fall crop. We will see if it works.

It is just so beautiful an delicious.

I bought some ground beef from a fellow homeschooler who had a cow, grass fed. The smell is different, the taste is very different; I don't ever want to buy meat at the store again.(which was whole paycheck or trader joe's and only when we had extra cash) I didn't have to put hardly any seasonings because the broccoli was very tasteful. Very yummy.

Our beans are growing and flowering- balck beans, lima beans, black scarlet beans, tiger eye beans, we may have one bush of canelli beans that made it, but we'll see.

So many types of tomatoes, and peppers we received from our great friends in NJ-my favorite tomatoes are gooseberry tomatoes...I can't wait to eat those. I am not sure if I will be able to share them with anyone...

Cucumbers, squash, watermelon, zuchini, and soon to come Trinity's sister seeds project. George has taken over these new crops. I feel I do better with hardy plants, tomatoes intimidate me.

Lunita Linda

2009-06-04T22:38:00.010-04:00

Menina linda- so I am speaking half spanish and half protuguese...she is just so edible. Now how do I say that in a different language. I can sign it but you can't see me.

she was really into this book it wasn't just for a second

my chunky monkey

sweet eyes

hanging out with Trinity's sock puppet

I love this picture of them

chewing on a snap pea, she is teething

she found her feet

ok this night she was seriously teething she was crying until George gave her a cold cloth to bite on..

HOC Camping Trip

2009-05-17T09:18:00.008-04:00

Our homeschoolers of color group had our annual camping trip this past week. We had a great time. It is so amazing what happens when we take ourselves out of our home and into nature. Everything feels so simple. No computers no cell phones no lists to do...just the birds the trees the dirt colorful moths and the ticks..

I wish I had pictures of this but there was a hammock and the kids were taking turns rocking each other really high and while they pushed each other they chanted:

We will we will rock you..rock you
Pick you up and drop you
Flush you down the toilet
Hope you enjoy it
Put you in the trash can
Take all your cash man

Then there was another version of the song that they made up, Trinity thought it was so funny:
We will rock you, rock you
pick you up and drop you
flush you down the toilet
hope you enjoy it
you know there some cake down there
you know you are going to get so much hair
on you buttocks( with her hands over her mouth b/c she thinks the word is so funny)

She just asked me if I wrote the entire thing down even the last word-buttocks..
She said her friend Jabu would say "I am so sexy" in a girls voice and they were all cracking up laughing.
You can tell they had a great time.

Free

2009-05-11T23:48:00.011-04:00

Sugar Snap Peas, they never came inside.

Singing in the Rain

Watching daddy mow the lawn- he didn't want to stop- he ran in the rain mowing the lawn

Spring Onions have sprungAnd so has she

Build

Dig

Did you ever notice that Brown Bear Brown Bear book has all domesticated animals with the exception of the bear and ends with a teacher and children..The Panda Bear Panda Bear book, all the animals are wild and free and ends with a dreaming child? Probably dreaming about being free while all the institutionalized children are categorized with domesticated animals..Are we domesticating our children? lol
They are BellaSky's favorite books. She reads them to me sometimes...and just to note I changed the teacher teacher to mommy mommy what do you see? The woman looks like a teacher. I need to write a children's book about unschooling life. Maybe she is telling me she wants to go to school..I have stayed up till 1am for the past three nights..I am delirious!

Making room for a hobby...

2009-05-11T15:18:00.009-04:00

.....that is quite satisfying
I have always imagined a shelf with beautiful fabric and a sewing table and beautiful clothing...but the part that overwhelmed me was the sewing part..I would have to learn how to sew..I couldn't even entertain the idea it would make me feel anxious..I would just say when I am 50 or 60 yrs old I will take up sewing..It started last week Wednesday I was putting all of the baby clothes that don't fit Luna away...Far far away..I had so many receiving blankets and I wanted to give them away but then I didn't..I thought of making something out of them but once again too overwhelming.. That night I was putting Luna to sleep and then all of a sudden I found room in my body and mind. A quilt just came to me. After she fell asleep I took out the dusty sewing machine my mother in law got me. I looked on utube on how to split the square with two different types of fabric. And a way I went..It was so much fun and I eyeballed everything..I didn't have any rulers or measuring tape because i don't have them on hand. I felt like I was cooking..AND it felt good to complete it. It was 3am but I didn't care. I don't have the back on yet but the idea of it was done. Imperfectionaly perfect

I am feeling so good and proud of myself..Let me tell you finding an outlet so my natural tendency to control can shine..I AM SHINING! I did not want to go to bed until I had it looking like I pictured it in my head.

So yesterday Trinity wanted to make a skirt and I was just tired. But today I took on a very hard challenge. Instead of waiting for them to go to sleep to make it, I made a skirt with all of them around me..Can I just say chocolate ganache is very good after sewing..lol It was interesting..I don't think I was shining this time, more like shouting (loud in my head...well maybe it came out of my mouth once or twice)..So many times I thought about putting it away and finishing later but my alter ego needed me to finish it. Needless to say I finished it in an hour and half and I am very happy with it and so is Trinity. BellaSky was cuddled during the sewing extravaganza and Luna was fed during it as well.. She was very interested in the noise of the machine..

The first person I called when I finished the skirt was my grandmother. She has made so many beautiful things, blankets, quilts, clothes... She was very proud of me and was very excited for me. It felt so beautiful to connect with her.

She looks so cute...I will make my clothes while George is home so I can have help, wow that was hard and it wasn't fun for me to have to stop and go, stop and go....We Live and Learn.. Off to eat more cake and watch a movie together.

Cutting and Pasting quotes

2009-05-11T10:38:00.001-04:00

Do everything with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little you will have a little peace; ifyou let go a lot you will have a lot of peace; if you let go completely you will have complete peace. *
~ K- mom from unschoolingbasics

The secret is not to get them to be more obedient, calmer kids. The secret is to make yourself more calm and positive and flexible and mindful. You can never control another person for very long. You can only control your self, your choices, your reactions, your attitude.

Go stand in front of a full length mirror and see what your kids see. Smile. Relax. Adopt some really positive self talk. Think about what's playing in your head and switch off the negative stuff. Choose to be positive. Choose to think of yourself as a mom getting better at her job every moment. Choose to think of your kids as just right.

~D.Lewis-mom unschoolingbasics

Mothers Day

2009-05-10T23:29:00.014-04:00

We woke up and Trinity wanted to make a skirt. I took one of my old dresses and started to take it apart and attempt the idea of sewing a skirt for Trinity. I have never done this before. It was very exciting. Then she remembered she was supposed to have a strawberry festival with her friend Leah, our neighbor. She runs to her room gets dressed and tells me she is going to their house to find out if they are still doing it. What about the skirt, I asked. We will still do it, she said.

Needless to say she returned with her friends. They played and prepared for the lemonade stand and strawberry festival, aka selling strawberries.

The strawberry is wrapped in there. There were four of them so nicely wrapped. She sold three of them. Leah had to go to celebrate mothers day. Trinity waited for people to come and buy lemonade. She was very committed.

One of my wishes for the day was to make dinner with out interruptions with the exception of Luna to feed her. Cooking is a dance and I Love to Dance-chicken piccata and pasta with spring onions, mushrooms with asparagus.- Delicious.

Do you see the smoke rising? Yummy!

Trinity played with her friends till like 7:30 I think..She came inside and went into her room. When she came out she gave me a picture she drew and wished me Happy Mothers Day. I missed her so much..I feel like she was gone all day. She is the reason I became a mother I felt like I needed to thank her in some way..So I waited patiently all day long. lol It was very sweet. After dishes were done, BellaSky fell asleep, Trinity asks, Are we going to make the skirt now? How about we color together....She was very excited to do that. Luna in sling, Trinity and I drew a Pegasus unicorn flying home to candy land. It was perfect. Thank you for making me a mama baby girl.

Happy Mothers Day!

Instinctual Beings

2009-05-10T21:40:00.002-04:00

When I put my children to sleep I am either holding their hand, tickling them, or breastfeeding..Trinity liked all of them up until she turned 5, now it is just tickling and hand holding, BellaSky loves all three, and Luna well it is all about the breast for now. This particular night not just one of them but both of them I think it was the full moon yesterday, anyway Trinity put my fingers to her lips and started to lick my finger and she fell asleep that way and guess what? So did BellaSky! It was so... I can't even think of a word. It felt soo.....right! Like of course why not?
As I was putting them to bed tonight which was just as nice but no finger licking I was just thinking about last night and how primal they are, especially at this age..How can I keep them that way? One of my many questions that don't have answers.

During my childbirth class when we discuss spiritual cesarean I mention when you birth your baby and they bring the baby to you over the curtain, if you can't touch her or him, lick them if you can. We are like animals who need to feel them, why not lick them leave our scent on them so they can feel you and smell you. You are their mother, connect with them anyway you can.
It reminded me of this one client I was a doula for a couple of years ago. She was a single mom decided to have a baby on her own, and she tried so hard to give birth vaginally but hospital/doctor called "not progressing fast enough" I was in there with her talking her through it. When they brought the baby over to her I whispered in her ear taste your baby and let her smell you..She was crying and she picked up her head and gave such a lioness lick. Oh my it was so beautiful. Then she told me to stay with her baby and I went over and she told them she wanted me to cut the cord. It was a very intense emotional moment for me.

We are amazing strong honest instinctual creatures. I love that my girls reminded me of that and I got to revisit this wonderful memory of this birth. Which leaves me knowing how much I love my work and miss it too. I haven't been at a birth in so long but at least I am apart of it before they have their baby.. What an honor.

Line them up

2009-05-10T00:15:00.005-04:00

Since we have come home we have received more dinasours and horses...BellaSky has been working hard. She even gave them food because they were so hungry.:)

Mary Mary..How does your garden grow

2009-05-09T23:08:00.009-04:00

And pretty maids all in a row

Beans Beans the special beans.. I didn't know I let him go he'd stolen my beans, I was watching him crawl back over the wall then bang crash the lightning flash ahh well that's another story never mind anyway...........

A Great Big Happy Life RU Retreat

2009-05-07T03:11:00.009-04:00

NJ's first radical unschooling conference was so much fun. Trinity had a blast. She played so hard every single day we were there. Her and Jackson came up with the most amazing things.
One of my favorite moments was when I was pulling them in a wagon to go see a speaker, I think it was Dayna's talk, anyway this was their conversation:
Trinity- I am stronger then 107.

Jackson- I am stronger then 245

T-I am stronger then 600 and 40 30

J- that's strong...I'm stronger.....

T- I'm stronger then infinity

J-that's not a number , infinity is not a number Trinity. Giga..... is the largest number(mind you I have never even heard of this number and I don't even remember what the full word is)

Me- Is that true Jackson? Giga something is the largest number?

J- yeah infinity is not....

Me- Oh wow I didn't even know that.

Trinity- I am stronger then infinity...

All the while Charlotte is helping me pull three children in this wagon. BellaSky is just sitting admiring the view.

One of the nights we had a talent show and I was supposed to MC it but William who you see here in the picture asked if he could MC since he is a unschooler and that he would be better for the job so the kids to see another unschooler do his thang. He was amazing. I could not have done what William did. I wish we tape recorded. Trinity made up a song and sang on stage and I cried and Jen cried. She was so brave, she even told William she was scared and he asked for everyone to give a round of applause for Trinity before she started to make her feel more welcomed. I know she was nervous..People who know her think that this is or should be easy for her because she is so outgoing but I really understand it is very different when eyes are on you. I have to give it to her, she was very brave and when she was done she was so happy she was crying. it was the sweetest moment.

I love this picture of her, she is so focused so beautiful.

The song was amazing by the way. I wish I wrote the words down. maybe someone recorded it.

Cameron, Jeffery, Biggs, I forgot his first name and his daughter as back up singer..It was fun to watch them. I was dancing with Luna in my arms.

Our NJ friends Zizi and her younger sister Luna.
Sister Goddess Funshop-I loved watching George goddess Trinity up
there is a mirror on the back of the brush

they love dressing up and make-up

I even put make-up on

It was so great to meet new people and meet friends that I have never seen face to face. We stayed with Jen and Chris in a cabin. This was our 2nd conference together and our two year friendship anniversary month. It was very special for us. She is the reason why we chose unschooling. We stayed up till 2 am every night laughing peeing falling on the ground. I haven't peed on myself laughing in I don't know how long. It was a great couple of nights. And Erika came to visit and add to our laughter.. I did the closing cerimony and it felt so good to have a special closing to a wonderful couple of days with all these amazing families.

It was exactly what I needed, we all needed before going home.

I can't wait for next year..oh and the food was yummy yummy!

AHHHH HOME

2009-05-03T23:09:00.002-04:00

We arrived last night at 8pm and what a wonderful sight. I am so happy to be inside my home. We all went inside to go back outside into the back yard to see our garden...It took my breath away. It is so beautiful, our sugar snap peas are flowering and some have pods and spinach and rainbow chard, and broccoli...oh so nice. and the lettuce omg the lettuce we will be eating for a month. Our beans are growing not as much as I thought but it is a start..Everything looks yummy..
The girls seem so happy. They played in the living room the entire morning and outside the entire afternoon. We had dinner outside and that felt so good to be all together in our space.
Welcome back to us!

Missing Home

2009-04-26T06:00:00.003-04:00

So we have been in NJ for almost a month now. I know and feel it was a month too long. It started out as a week all together that turned into two more weeks with out George(he went back home to work)
We are picking him up today. I am so excited, the girls are so excited. Then we will venture to Lebanon NJ for A Great Big Happy Life Radical Unschooling Retreat(Conference). Life isn't feeling so great and happy right now, but I think it will when we pick up George.
By the end we would have been in NJ a month. Did I mention a month too long?

The first week away from George we had a great time catching up with friends and family. The second week the girls caught really bad colds and had temps, even Luna. I feel emotionally drained.
Then I got some kind of head thing. Which I think really stems from how I am emotionally feeling. Stuck in my head. Trinity said it is filled up with water. I am so stuck in my head because I have felt so stuck here. All I want to do is go home. If I were a little more on top of things mentally and emotionally and I want to add energetically. I would be home in my body. Just that in and of itself would make a huge difference.

I have been standing outside myself and noticing the little things I don't normally do for the sake of knowing my parents are really watching me, hence stuck in my head, hence head cold . Which has caused my children to wonder why is mommy acting this way, this isn't who she is, which causes a "behavior" that probably proves a case in which my parents feel I am making this all harder on myself. Granted it is very hard since I have been here because we are not home. I have been doing this by myself for the past two weeks and I am tired. BUT, big but there, it won't change how I do things. It just helps me recognize that I can't be in NJ with out George for this long. The flip side fo this magical coin is that I need to go through this because I have always felt confused about coming back to NJ when visiting. I felt weird because it still felt like my home. My home is really in Durham, NC. I feel that with every ounce of my being. NJ is no longer my home nor do I want it to be. I love where we live, I love the friends that I have. I am so grateful for my life there. There aren't any restrictions within myself and my family. It is just us. The freedom tastes really good. I don't feel free here. The pace is so different the people are so different. I love my family and friends that are here, but I love my life in NC. I needed to come to that conclusion and this was the way of doing it. SO I am happy to have gained that perspective. It feels complete. I feel complete.

Trinity is very tuned in as all children are. Last night while putting her to bed I was holding her and she was holding on to me so tight. I said if you have children and if you unschool, I will always be here for you through all your processes. I will support you and really see and listen to your children.. (Mom and dad this isn't saying you don't do these things,you do. We have all come along way and I am appreciative where we are in in our unfolding journey of unschooling with the grandparents. I just needed to say this to her.)
I then said I am so sorry it has been so hard this past week. She looks at me and says, "Mommy, you just need to be yourself, be yourself, like you are now."

Words of wisdom right there. I do need to be myself. Sometimes I don't know how to do that here, I don't know who myself is. I know who I am at home. But I will continue to search for me while in NJ while visiting. I can easily say well I just won't come anymore so I don't have to feel this way, but that would just be me avoiding myself. I don't want to do that. I feel this is very healing for me and I will overcome this. It will just take time.

I can't wait for the conference and being around my tribe. So I can get back into my body and be home once again.

Not just any villiage

2009-04-04T04:44:00.002-04:00

I remember a while back I had a discussion with someone about why I choose to unschool. They had mentioned what they look forward to with having their children in the school system. One being, it takes a village. Is there still a misconception that Homeschooling any type of homeschooling in our case unschooling or radical unschooling doesn't meet that need for the family?
I believe we need to do what is right for our family and do what feels good to us. That life looks very different for all people. I am not disputing that.
What I am disputing is the village. While being in school allows quicker opportunities to make good long lasting friendships, there is also the quicker opportunity to endure bad ones too. Then some will defend the lesson that children need to learn in being in those situations. I am sorry but if I were to be part of a group and there were some people that I felt uncomfortable around, whether it is their negative energy, or their unwillingness to accept people for who they are and are judgmental, do you think I will be going back to that group? Why would I continue to put myself through that? I think that so called lesson is too high of an expectation for a child to learn. It is hard for adults to be in that situation why would I want to put my child through it.
Being a homeshooler/unschooler gives us so many opportunities to experience life in a safe environment. Trinity does experience this conditional love on the playground or with other homeschoolers, but I am there to support her, help her navigate through her feelings whether it is talking it out with the other child or just letting her release her emotions, or moving away from the situation if that is what she needs. I am there. She will be held and protected and guided in those situations, not left alone and scared. I believe that these roots are giving her the confidence and security that she needs. It also most importantly keeps us connected.
Our village is filled with people that truly love my children unconditionally. Listen to them respect them. Outside that village we experience people who live life very differently then us and sometimes I am prepared for it and sometimes I am not. One night someone was scolding BellaSky and telling her she should say she is sorry..I looked at her, then BellaSy to make sure she was ok, I felt like dog when they tilt their head sideways...I didn't know how to handle that.. I just looked. Did she see why BellaSky pushed? Probably not. Some people only see a behavior not the underlying reason. It is so important to really pay close attention. And I don't force my children to say sorry. When they feel sorry they say it. But BellaSky is not going to say sorry when this little girl was in her space. I get it. Do I want anyone to get hurt, of course not. The other girl seemed fine. Thank god it wasn't her daughter that BellaSky pushed. I really don't know what would have happened. Anyway back to what i was saying.

Our chosen village may have taken a while to create, or may live really far away, but they are a great village. I think it does take a village to raise a family, but I am not going to have just any village.

BellaSky Play

2009-04-03T14:06:00.006-04:00

BellaSky plays so differently then Trinity. It is so interesting to watch. She can sit and play for hours alone and sometimes she prefers it that way. She doesn't like loud places, or lots of people where Trinity loves the stimulation. If we ever went to Disney World we would have to take lots of breaks so BellaSky can have her alone and quiet time. She loves to play with Trinity with her animals and they come up with the most amazing story lines. She will ask me to play with her but sometimes she really just wants me to sit there and watch her. I went to change my drivers license and brought Luna and BellaSky with me. She brought her lions with her and I was able to take a test and talk to the people there while she sat on the floor playing. Trinity would not be able to do that. She would be bored out of her mind. It is so interesting how different they are.

When she wakes up she roars like a lion and plays with Sharp teeth, Sarah, Littlefoot and Longneck...

In the afternoon she becomes a lion and in between she plays with ponies..One night after a long day of work she put them all to sleep. It was so cute.

Trinity the Chicken

2009-04-03T13:56:00.004-04:00

Trinity drew a chicken and was trying to dress up like her picture. She was having a hard time putting her pants over her head. She was so frustrated because the pants hole was too small for her head. She asked me if I have ever pictured something in my head and when I try to do it it doesn't work. Many times...I gave her a pair of my pants and she was so happy.

Unschooling Ladybugs

2009-04-03T13:24:00.006-04:00

We went to the farmers market and found so many ladybugs. Trinity found a plastic tube that was open on both sides and brought seven lady bugs home in it. When we got home she wanted to learn more about lady bugs. On the computer we go and found really great info about what they eat. We found really neat pictures of what the eggs look like, and what they look like right before they turn into the pretty ladybug we know and love to catch. I learned some things about them as well. Having them living in your veggie garden is the most natural way of getting rid of plant eating bugs. I was so excited. Trinity learned what she wanted to know and so did I. She went outside to let them go and I ordered more ladybugs for our garden.
We waited for a not so sunny day to release some of them with their friends.. It is so much fun to learn together. I have been so excited to share my news and apparently I am the only person that didn't know this info..:) Learning is Fun.

What happened

2009-04-01T15:05:00.002-04:00

I love sharing these for those that don't get them.
Just the other day I notice George asking what we all parents with good intentions ask. When the moment passed I gently reminded him him that he try to be in the moment with BellaSky rather then ask her what is wrong because why do we need to explain why we cry or are hurt. Just like up at Shalom when someone is crying, we don't ask them why they are crying we just hold them in that space. It isn't any different with our little ones. Sometimes I gracefully fall into the habit of asking what happened to Trinity or BellaSky and it hit me a couple of weeks ago what I have been doing, and I have been trying to be more aware of myself and be more present with them. There is so much that happens while George is working I can't always remember all my aha moments..I was happy to have the opportunity to share it with him when I heard him ask. He was like "OH Yeah, that's right".
When I read this I was like woohoo! I am one step ahead of mister groove man...:) One pat on my mamagroove shoulder.

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: "What Happened?!" ::

A crying child runs into the house from outside,
seeking comfort. The well-meaning parent's first
words: "What happened?!"

This common reaction is one of many subtle ways we
teach our children values that we ourselves never
consciously chose...

* What happened (the past) is more important than
what's happening now (the present).

* Reason is more important than emotions. You can't
simply have a feeling; you have to explain *why*.

* Things happen TO you. You don't create your own
experience.

A few decades later, this child will be reading Daily
Groove messages reminding her to stay *present*, that
feelings *are* important, and that we *do* create our
own experiences! :-)

The next time you're about to ask your child what
happened, decide instead to be still -- to be fully
present with your child, appreciate his or her
emotional journey, and enjoy the feeling of
connection.

In this Moment

2009-03-30T01:49:00.004-04:00

I struggle with myself. I know in theory who I need to take care of. ME- happy mommy happy family. But in the midst of feelings, neediness, cuddling, crying, I realize they are all doing the very things that my body, spirit, mind craves. I need cuddling, I want to be witnessed in my tears, I am needing. There isn't a mother here infront of me to meet my needs. So I struggle with mothering myself. It is so important for me to be with ME but I can't leave my children when they are needing me. I can't walk away from them knowing they aren't happy and needing my milk and my arms wrapped around them. I wouldn't be present in the very thing that I need, because my body would be longing to be with them not with ME. I will wait with my arms wrapped around them and while my milk nourishes their soul and mother myself through mothering them. And soon they will breath silently and so will I. This is just where we are at the moment.
Loving myself.

2009-03-25T14:12:00.003-04:00

I get these daily cups of tea, at least that is what it feels like when I open up his daily emails..it is from enjoy pareting website.

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle

:: Go With the Flow... Even If It's 'Wrong' ::

Sometimes we think we're doing our kids a favor
when we tell them the "right" way to do something:
"No, dear... Do it *this* way."

We think we're just saving them the hassle of
reinventing the wheel, or preventing something from
being "wasted," or saving time. But our corrections
also send unintended, unspoken messages, like...

* The end result is more important than the process.
* Efficiency is more important than joy.
* There is no value in making mistakes.
* Better to go with a "sure thing" than to take risks.

In other words, frequently correcting children
undermines their (and our) creativity!

So next time you see your child doing something the
"wrong" way, ask yourself if it's really so bad that
you can't go along with it. See if you can relax and
enjoy witnessing his or her process of discovery.

Children who are allowed to find their own way
learn that they *can* find their own way.

Authentic

2009-03-21T17:23:00.003-04:00

~Authenticity (philosophy), a particular way of dealing with the external world, being faithful to internal rather than external ideas ~
~(obsolete) Having authority. ~

Being authentic is very easy when you are around people who have the same beliefs. You feel accepted, not judged, safe, loved. You know the feeling. It is very easy to be yourself, it is even sometimes easy to forget your awareness because you don't have to work. It is when you are around people who live life very differently when your true authenticity is revealed, even to your own acknowledgement. In the definitiion above about having authority. I feel that is authority of oneself.

I have revealed new layers of myself being in these situations. I have learned acceptance which can be good but not to the extent of sacrificing myself to accommodate someone else. It is in these situations where I can choose to stay in my awareness, protect my energy, and stay grounded. It can be difficult because in these situation you sometimes feel tested, uncomfortable, nervous, sometimes even anger. Who wants to rock the boat. Sometimes the boat needs to be rocked in order to be seen, understood, or just down right show respect for yourself. And my children need to know that I stand for what I believe in. I can't teach them to be themselves and to fully love themselves, and stand up for what they believe in if I am not modeling it.

Just Yummy

2009-03-16T01:04:00.011-04:00

Focus and determination

So delicious

sleeping on daddy

She said she wanted to start practicing

She has been watching her daddy make things out of wood and she jumped right in making herself an airplane

They love each other so much

She has a thing for shoes

She has a thing for Luna

Party Time

2009-03-13T18:03:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, Kathy and three children came over and we had so much fun together. We shared great great great conversations, her oldest daughter Nicole held Luna between feedings almost the entire time. She was loving her up. When I was pregnant I met Nicole for the first time and she asked me if I was having a home birth, not when is your baby due, or are you having a boy or girl, it was Are you having a homebirth? When I said yes she said that's the way to go..I was so amazed by her tone and body language. I wanted to know who her mother was. I wanted to know who her mother was. Kathy and I hit it off. She has been unschooling longer then I have and she has two older children so it was so much fun and insightful for her to share with me her experiences.

We made vegan chocolate cake and had ice cream with it..I thought that was funny. It felt like a party.

Trinity had an amazing time. This kind of play and spirit connection was much needed for the both of us.

I had this idea and being with Kathy and her family makes me want to do it even more. So I am putting it out there to the Universe.

I want to have an Unschooling non-conference weekend at my house. When the weather is nice we can fit like 10 tents in our back yard...I would love to invite all RU to our home and have a party! Kathy said she was coming. So that is one tent.:)

They had so much fun dancing and putting on a performance for us.

A Mothers Secret

2009-03-10T12:20:00.008-04:00

A Smile, a glance, a touch, one word, or sound

knowing what to say, when to say it,

when and when not to speak

are the daily rhythms

Listen, listening, hearing, witnessing, being in every moment as they live their life

Their life...their journey...their world

My body, my womb was just the vessel that carried them from one spirit place to the next.

And here they are, second to second growing, learning and thinking for themselves...

and I just watch

Their needs go far deeper with what is shown

meeting those needs bring me far deeper into my own being

The little things we do that go unnoticed

it is my little secret

Cuddle, milk, tickle, milky, lullabies, milky, holding hands until their eyes close

crying, fussing, bad dreams, bathroom, water, diaper change

another day in the night time rhythm

I sit on the bed and watch them all sleep, listening to their breath

so peaceful, so quiet, so appreciating my life, my family

wanting so badly to go back to sleep but knowing I will be waking up to give more of me

I take that moment to give back to myself as I

breath, breath, breath............

............my secrets

Living Love Light Blessings in Motherhood

In the Moment

2009-03-09T13:40:00.005-04:00

We live so in the moment everyday. Trinity really doesn't know how to live any differently. It is just who she is. One minute she wants to go for a walk the next minute we are taking pictures of the birds and the bees instead. This is great practice for me to live in freedom. Letting go of the outcome and not being so attatched to a plan. Why does the plan have to be so final? It doesn't and it is so amazing when I can throw the plan out the window. There is no more struggle or stagnant energy inside of me. It allows me to be present. Trinity and BellaSky already feel freedom, I have the privilege in joining them in that freedom. I really feel the joy in joining them in their world. That is where the connection is.

We had so much fun watching this bumblebee drink nectar from our flowers. We looked up and learned some really neat info about the bumble bee. One of which they are not really interested in stinging people. They will if they feel threatened but they are more friendlier then regular bees. That helped Trinity feel a little more comfortable with it buzzing around her.

Then Trinity found this bird on our tree branch singing. His song was so beautiful. We learned it was called the Northern Mocking Bird. Trinity and I learned that Northern Mocking Birds repeat their song seven times before it sings a different song. We counted and low and behold it changed its call after 7 times. Trinity loves how the internet knows everything. Sometimes when she asks us a question and we aren't sure, she responds, "Check the internet."

I was having so much fun and Trinity kept asking to take more and more pictures. Then she and BellaSky was on to something else.George and I were able to share a moment. It was very fluid and natural how it all happened.

I am so grateful that I get to continue this connection with my children as whole life learners. It doesn't have to end after they turn 4, or 5 because we aren't being separated by school. They are free to learn what interests them and I am here to support them in their passion, even if it only lasts 5 minutes.

Pumping and Breastfeeding

2009-03-07T21:35:00.006-05:00

I have pictures of Trinity pumping when she was younger. I think this is so funny. I tried bottle feeding her but she never took the bottle. She would rather wait for the real thing. Since I stayed home with her I never had to pump. I pumped when BellaSky was a baby and George fed her with a cup or spoon I can't remember. Two weeks ago I pumped milk so I could get a much needed massage. Trinity fed Luna with a bottle and was very excited about it.

Hands free feeding, this makes my back feel so good. He is holding her weight.

Our Garden

2009-03-07T21:03:00.011-05:00

Today was beautiful day. 80 degrees beautiful. We were out in the garden weeding and mulching and admiring the growth of our food. We joined our neighborhood garden club, and met last week for a pot luck. It was great to meet other people who know about growing food. I learn better by getting my hands dirty and the food was amazing too.

Lettuce

Kale

Sugar Snap Peas

Hiding their feet in the dirt and saying BEETS!

Giving Birth

2009-02-28T10:08:00.006-05:00

I have been thinking so much about giving birth to Luna which lead me to remembering BellaSky and Trinity's birth. They have been the most profound, life changing moments in my life. Every time I have given birth it has brought me closer to the Divine. I feel yet another layer has been shed from my being and I feel this sense of rawness,. I am not the same person I was before I gave birth to Luna, or BellaSky or Trinity. I am so grateful for that because I can't be the same person. I am meant to evolve, as we all are. I love embracing that, embracing myself. I feel like we as women get that though. Don't we. We know this place, it can be easily forgotten but it isn't hard to remember. There is magik that happens after dying and coming back again, transition, losing control and letting your baby take over, all of that happens right? We surrender and come back as someone else.

I would love for George to see me in this. It is so hard for him to grasp it. He tries so hard. It almost feels like when I went to Shalom for the first time and I come back as this transformed person. He had no clue what I was feeling or going through because he never experienced Shalom.....until he went...Ahhhhh yes he gets it. I wish for him to feel this with me..But maybe it is ok that he doesn't. It is mine and mine alone. I love what my body is capable of doing. I love being a woman. What a gift. I get to raise three women.. Wow what an honor.

Luna and Me

2009-02-23T15:16:00.008-05:00

I was asked why there weren't any pics of Luna and me. I didn't realize there weren't any. So here is Mama and Luna Lu, Trinity calls her Lulu. I took some and Trinity took the rest. We just woke up. I look so good! hehe
At the bottom is a cute short clip of Luna. She is getting so big. She will turn 7 weeks on Thursday..Where does the time go!

Second Guessing Myself

2009-02-22T01:46:00.004-05:00

So when George came home he watched the video and was laughing so hard. When it came to witnessing how sad she was he expressed to me that this video was very private. He didn't think I should have put it on the blog. He thought I should just file it for her to watch when ever she wants to. I told him that she wanted me to post so everyone could see it. He then expressed her not knowing the magnitude of what it really is.
I took it off because I wanted to honor what he feels for our child.
I want to honor Trinity because that is what she wants.
I wanted to process it more with him because I feel there were underlying feelings that he was unaware of at that moment. Maybe what is really happening is that he isn't fully aware of the magnitude of how this affected him at that moment..I don't know.

Now what I am struggling with is what to do. Do I post it or not? I feel somewhat wrong for posting something I felt so happy about. It was such an amazing opportunity for her and I to connect and amazing for herself as well. Am I not seeing what the consequences would be? Why do there have to be any? Have I taken on what George was feeling? I tried to find a way to take it off facebook. The only way for me to take it off is to delete it and I don't want to do that. I really want to keep it.

Now that it is 2am and both nursing babies are sleeping. I was thinking about it again. And honestly what I realize is that only after George said something I started to fear that people reading would judge us or me. They would see me as the cause of my child feeling this much sadness. It was so easy for me to go to that place of second guessing what we are doing. Maybe I shouldn't homeschool. She will be with more children if she went to school. I am judging myself. I even asked Trinity if she wanted to go to school. Because if I can easily miss her need to play maybe I am missing her need to go to school. I mean the place I went to was ridiculous. Of course she said, "No why are you asking me this, I want to be homeschooled forever."
I think that it was just very hard for George to see her in her sadness.I think he felt helpless and I think things came up for him while watching it. Talking about feelings on a video is so different from actually talking about them face to face, especially since he wasn't here to see what happened before and after the video. I really believe that has been Trinity's job though. She does things that just force you to look within yourself and you can either look the other way or... take the journey. It is very healing.
I am putting the video back on to honor Trinity and hopefully George will want to process more with me about what came up for him and I can honor him and support him in that. I choose to not let myself get sucked into the negativity of what others think. I am not writing to please other people. I write because I love to document and share our lives. If something comes up for you while reading what I write I hope you choose to take the journey.

Trinity's Video

2009-02-21T13:35:00.008-05:00

This was recorded on facebook. Trinity has so much fun recording herself. She has been asking me to record her so she can see it and show it to everyone. So with her permission I am sharing it with all of you. This one is really funny then at the end she confesses her sadness about me leaving her in the car which wasn't too far away from where I was standing to get us cupcakes and popped arts-our Saturday pastry treat tradition..
I didn't know that she felt that way because she agreed when I asked her if I can run and get them myself while they wait in the car.
I am so happy she found a way that was most comfortable for her to express her feelings to me. I am not sure if you will be able to hear it because she is whispering some of her words. When she was done she couldn't wait for me to see it. And we talked about what she said. She said it matter of factly, "so did you hear my sadness?" I asked if she wanted to talk about it and we did.
The other thing she expressed was that she wanted more homeschool friends. Since Luna has been born we have been home so much more then before.
I called a friend of hers and asked her mom if I can come pick her up so they can play. Trinity is so excited.
Her needs are just as important as mine and George's. I am happy that she was able to express herself to me and give me a chance to meet what has been bothering her. I am still feeling like I want to be home because that is just where I am after having Luna. But it is important for me to tune into her and her needs. She needs reminding of her own needs. It has been easy for me forget, because she is so happy being with Luna, but she needs to play too. I want to meet her need and meet mine as well. I can invite children over my house to play with her. Then both our needs are met.

I am so grateful for the reminder. I am so grateful to know another way of living this life. I was able to hear her sadness and support her with compassion and listening. So she will always know there isn't a wrong way to express herself. I will listen. And try to work with her and help her come up with ways to do it differently the next time so she can feel good. So she can make decisions that feel good to her. She will always know that I am here to help her, guide her, support her, love her unconditionally.
Trinity's passion is watching movies. I support her passion by finding movies that interest her. Some people think it is bad that I let her watch movies all day, but it isn't any different then buying books for a child that loves to read. By embracing her passion she feels good about herself. She feels free to pursue what she loves. And now she loves recording herself. I love to support her in that. It makes her so happy. She wants everyone to see her..So everyone meet Trinity.

2009-02-19T21:12:00.002-05:00

BellaSky wanted some bread and when she found the bag she came in the living room shouting "No more bread, my frustrated!"
It was hilarious!

Sisters

2009-02-16T11:42:00.004-05:00

Trinity and Luna have an amazing relationship. When Trinity comes around Luna coos and makes all sorts of noises. I love their connection. Trinity is such a little mother to Luna, and she is so helpful to me. I love watching them.

Luna's first bath and Trinity was there to help. What a joy it is.

BellaSky and Luna are hanging out. BellaSky picked this picture because as she say "aaaawwwwwhhhh eyasky and una" Very Sweet!

BellaSky

2009-02-15T13:03:00.003-05:00

When I think of BellaSky I laugh. She reminds me of my sister Vanessa, which is ironic because they share the same middle name, Del Ray.

She is very funny and so is Vanessa. They both like sweets, though I think my sister has weaned herself from them. And most of all they are both crazy!

BellaSky has a very strong spirit. She knows she has a right to be here on Earth like she has a purpose and she knows it. She doesn't need permission to do anything. She just does it.

She is very independent. She doesn't need help. Sometimes she will ask, and trust that she will ask if she needs it.

She loves dinosaurs and watches Land Before Time alot. She just asked for the movie but then said it has scary parts that aren't healthy for her belly. So she asked to see the songs. She just cracks me up. She plays with her dinosaurs everyday.

She loves to be happy. Everyday she wakes up and lives a happy day. When she is angry she wants to be left alone and then has mama milk.

BellaSky is a force and I breath with her and sometimes for her. I am really enjoying letting her shine through all her emotions and struggles. She comes out of them so much stronger and one layer less.

Having Luna has been a challenge with BellaSky. She has been very angry and hitting a lot. We are all trying to be compassionate. Poor Trinity has been literally her punching bag. We are doing cranial sacral work and now she is releasing her emotions very differently. More crying, alot of crying-deep sadness cries. which I think is very good. BellaSky kinds of turns her sadness into anger, then doesn't release it. She kind of holds a grudge for a little while. So this process has been very good for her. And it is getting better.

I sat up with her one night while she cried and I just cried because I can really see her and her needs and it is so hard to meet all of them. And I want so badly to do that because it is so important to me. But I realize that I am just one person and I can't sometimes and that is ok. I held her and she nursed on and off. Luna is an amazing sleeper, so I could do that for BellaSky. It was a sweet time for me and BellaSky.

BellaSky BellaSky my sweet firecracker. You teach me so much. Thank you my love.

The LOVE on Valentines

2009-02-15T12:23:00.007-05:00

Saturday morning after George left for work (4:30am) BellaSky woke up crying which really isn't unusual these days. This time something just made me ask, Why are you so sad? She cries a little harder saying , I love Trinity! I repeated it to make sure I understood and she nodded. Trinity with her eyes closed reciprocated the love. I looked at Trinity and her eyes were closed but she was awake. They ended up sleeping next to one another a cuddling and holding hands at BellaSky's request. It was so amazing.

Later that morning when they were up I was very excited to come up with heart shaped breakfast surprise for them. They thought it was so cute, and had fun eating it.

Then in the evening George and I were supposed to see Stomp but our babysitter canceled so him and I(Luna) couldn't go. We first were going to try to buy two more tickets so all of us could go but that didn't work...anyway...Trinity and I were going to go on our own date and see the show.

BellaSky was fine w/us leaving but then she started to cry because she wanted to go. Trinity felt so bad that BellaSky couldn't go. Then Trinity was sad. I told Trinity we had to leave or else we would be late. Trinity decided that it was more important to be with BellaSky then go to the show. So we ended up staying and having burgers and playing at a park together as a family. It was quite amazing. They love each other so much and Trinity has so much compassion. It was so visible that day.

It was a happy loving day.

Gardening Take 2

2009-02-13T14:20:00.005-05:00

Last year we weren't too successful in our garden. It was also our first time trying to grow our own food. Although we did get some squash, alot of cucumbers, and like two or three tomatoes. We hope that this year will be better. This past fall we layed some lime to help the ph balance of the soil. Then layed newspaper down with mulch on top to get rid of the weeds. George built a double compost bins in the back. That has been wonderful because we can save everything for the compost, except meat of course.

We have had some really beautiful weather this week. So we took advantage of it.
George put together a lattice for sugar snap peas. We planted yellow danver onions, kale, lettuce, and George nailed wood together to for a raised bed for our beets and spinach. This way the moles don't eat them. We put horse manure to get it going. We will be getting ready to transplant broccoli, purple cabbage and green cabbage. The later in March I think we will prepare for Trinity's Sister seeds.. She is excited about that along with her poppies. It has been so much fun being out there everyday this past week and cleaning up the yard and garden. Trinity and BellaSky were interested in planting the seeds then they would play.. It was fun. Now that I am not pregnant I think it will be a little easier this year. I slung Luna on my back and planted.
I have intentions of eating more live foods. George and I love reading Mother Earth News Magazine. We get so many ideas from it. There was an article on sprouting. I have done it long time ago and it made me want to do it again. I started sprouting mung beans yesterday. They look so beautiful. I can't wait to eat them.

BellaSky Chewing Gum

2009-02-07T13:43:00.004-05:00

I had to post this. I can't believe I caught it on video!

The Abundance of Love...

2009-02-06T22:07:00.007-05:00

This morning was my first morning leaving the house with out George. I was a little bit nervous, I will admit. I had a flashback of the time when it was just Trinity and she was 4 weeks old, same age as Luna, when we were going on our first outing together with out George to my first LLL meeting. I sat in the car at the wheel and cried. Not quite the same this time except for the crying part.
No this time it was a morning of BellaSky watching Winnie the Pooh, while Trinity and I negotiate when she will get dressed,Luna is on the bed being engrossed by the light outside, while George heats himself up breakfast.
After losing the battle in getting BellaSky dressed, I feed Luna and thinking of a way to get BellaSky out of the house. I succeed in getting her tights and shirt on and she is off sliding on the floor. I feed Luna again.
I successfully get all of them out of the house just in time. I am not even sure how it happened. I do know that I was calm about it though. I was very proud of myself. They were seat belted and ready to go. I am at the wheel. Hands free. They are quietly playing in the back and as I am driving I realize... I am alone. I turn on the radio and a slow song helps me release the intense emotion that I was holding inside of me. I did it! The only person that I really wanted to speak to at that moment was my father. I told him how much I loved him and what an amazing father he is and thanked him for being my dad. Tears running down my face. I was so emotional. He embraced me in such a way that I felt so held by him. It was such a beautiful moment of connection with him. I will forever remember that moment. I knew that he saw me, he really knew what I was feeling. Thank you daddy.
I was a great morning...

2009-01-27T12:16:00.003-05:00

Scroll to the bottom right to pause music.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Welcome Luna Amelia

2009-01-20T18:08:00.005-05:00

On January 8th I gave birth to Luna in our home with George and Trinity by my side. BellaSky was napping. This has been a very profound experience for me both pregnancy and labor. I am still processing my labor dance. It makes me feel so many emotions and I love all the emotions it invokes. We are getting to know her, and are enjoying her so much.

Thank you Luna for choosing me as your mother, and for choosing us to be your family. Most of all thank you for not giving up on me. We did it baby girl!

Love, Mama

Beautiful Moments

2009-01-06T11:29:00.010-05:00

I wanted to share some of our really special moments from our holiday. It was so much fun to watch BellaSky open up gifts. We wrapped them in cloth and put them under the tree each night until Christmas. In the morning she would wrap some toys in cloth and put them under the tree for me. It was fun to play with her. One night they opened up feathers for their hair that we bought at a Native American Celebration. They loved it!

George made this gift for them and hung it on the wall on Christmas Eve after they fell asleep.
He had so much fun making it.
He loves building things and making what is in his head come to life.

I love seeing the finished product. It really amazes me when I see what he has build. He loves doing this. He would rather be making things then working for someone else.. Who knows...Put it out there George!

We went on a train ride one night at the museum. They decorated the entire area with lights. The girls loved it. BellaSky was very cautious of the man dressed up as Santa. It was funny. I love this family photo, we don't get too many.. An elf offered to take our picture.:)

Mai and Trinity

We have been friends since we were 17 years old. I am so grateful for our friendship. We have been through so much together. So many memories.... During this visit one of my favorite moments was at a New Years Eve party we went to (very last minute)-we became human smudges for one another. It was hilarious. We always laugh so hard when we are together.

The girls dancing to song after a movie.

They were cutting strips for my belly cast.

Mai was with us when we casted my belly for Trinity and BellaSky's pregnancy. It was very special she was there for this one as well. I was so happy the kit arrived before I went into labor.. Every belly has been so different. I just love that I have the memory of what I looked like. I have kept them white because I wanted to give them the option of being apart of decorating their first home. Trinity can't wait to paint hers.

This was after Mai left. It felt good to come together and close our circle.

It feels so good to be in this place.

Making Space

2009-01-05T21:41:00.003-05:00

What a wonderful holiday we had. It was our best yet! After Christmas my best friend Mai, from NJ came to stay with us. It was great living together for 8 days. She left yesterday morning and though it was hard to say goodbye, it was nice to create the space to prepare for the birth. It would have been nice for her to be here for it, but I don't think it was meant to happen. So I am still pregnant and trying not to live everyday in waiting.

We don't do new year resolutions. We like to let go of the things we don't want anymore (physical, emotional, energetically) to make space for what needs to come into our lives. I haven't figured out what mine are yet but I am working on it. I feel like my heart is just really open to anything that needs to enter my life, and at the same time I stand in fear as well.

I am standing in fear because we had a very scary incident happen last Sunday. Someone broke into our home. I didn't want to write about it but it is hard to ignore it. I feel uneasy at times but it is getting better for me. Trinity on the other hand is having a hard time with it. She is really scared at night. All I can do is be there for her and let her know that she is safe. I think I also need to heal the fears that I had in my childhood from experiencing break ins. I don't want the fear to keep repeating itself.

The conversations have been very interesting. I chose to speak and stay in a place of love and not fear . Though I was feeling fear I was feeling love as well. I am sure the fear seeped out anyway but that's ok. I know what my intentions are and am working on it. I was grateful that we weren't home and money was all they took. It doesn't even matter to me what they took , the invasion is very hard for me as it would be for anyone. We smudged the house that night and lit candles and I sent us and the house a blessing. I really trust there is something to be gained from this. We are all gaining something. I know it is happening. I can feel it. In the end the true gift will reveal itself.

We can still feel the abundance of our love and life together. No one can take that from us. That is what I spoke about with Trinity. I shared with her that I think that these people needed the money more than we did. Her response was, lets give it to them. And we did. It doesn't make it right but that was how I felt we can move on. I felt that I can move on.. At first I felt that I couldn't have my baby here but with the help of my RU LOA friends I was able to shift that. Birthing my baby in my home will change the energy here and it will be a gift.

Maybe that is what I will let go of. Letting go of what happened to bring in what needs to come in. Letting go of fear and feeling unsafe in my own home. That is what I want to let go of.

Me and my baby

2008-12-25T15:43:00.001-05:00

Last night at about 1:30am I woke up with contractions. Nothing major. They actually felt really good. As I was breathing, I could hear the distinct breath of the girls and George. Their breath, my breath, my being on my hands and knees and rocking my hips like a figure eight along with the rain drops outside it was this rhythmic dance between us and nature.
I crawled out of bed (that is the only way I can actually move my body these days) and went to the bathroom, then that's when I felt stronger contractions. I grabbed my ball and brought it into my bedroom and threw a knitted blanket over me and rocked. I felt the raindrops hitting the watery ground. I felt the spirit of my mother behind me and my sleeping family in front of me. It was so sweet, and so gratifying. I felt so empowered and so entitled. I don't know why that word comes to mind. Maybe the proper word is My Rite Of Passage. I felt that. Closing my eyes I envisioned my path that I will walk. It awaits me with open arms knowing I can do this. I have a right to do this and I can't wait to do this.
My mantra was -I will birth my baby safely in my home with my girls and my beloved partner.
I have done it twice before, and once by myself before. I felt so amazingly powerful.
Then the contractions stopped. So I went to bed.
All I could think about after that was I can't wait for morning for Trinity and BellaSky to wake up so we can open up gifts...

Blessings and Light and Merry Christmas

Winter Solstice

2008-12-22T21:01:00.011-05:00

Becoming a mother I didn't want Christmas to be about that one day opening up so much. Since I can't model something that isn't real, as I said in a last post I spent a lot of time meaning years trying to feel what this holiday means to me and how I would like it to manifest for my children. I am happy to be in a place where George and I have created our own traditions that actually honors a few practices and it started last year. But this year I have been very childlike around it. It just brings me so much joy and happiness.

So yesterday was the Solstice. We have been planning for it and when it arrived Trintiy was ready to decorate our tree outside for the birds as an offering.
While I had my Blessingway Ceremony the girls had a nice date with daddy. They found Holly w/red berries, and greens. We strung popcorn and had some blue berries on branches. Trinity and George really made it look nice. Trinity found some white stuffing and put it under the tree to make it look like snow.
My girlfriends made me a crown with honeysuckle vines and feathers during my blessingway. It came in handy for our blessing and candle ceremony. We had two bowls filled with blessings and request from spirit mother, and another bowl full of things we wanted to release from our energy. Each one of us wore the crown as we spoke.
They opened up their first gift that night.
It was just a beautiful day.

~May the rebirth of the Sun and the coming of more light to the Mother Earth warm all of us from the inside out. Happy Solstice~

Polor Express Holiday Party

2008-12-22T18:45:00.006-05:00

Trinity loves the idea of having parties. She came up with the idea of having a Polar Express Party. She wanted sugar cookies and hot chocolate of course. She invited a bunch of her friends. 10 children filled our home with excitement, joy and lots and lots of screaming and laughter. When the first two children arrived she was actually embarrassed. She didn't leave my side for a little while. It was cute.

All the children were wearing their pajamas. They cut cookie dough with holiday cutters, ate pizza, and watched the Polar Express. When the Hot Hot Hot How You Feeling scene came on George and I passed out hot chocolate to the all the kids. They laughed and thought it was so cool. The parents commented "Nice Touch". One mom said we needed to do this every year now. I have to say it was so much fun making this magikal for her.

Everyone watched the movie together. Before everyone left Trinity gave them a bell as a gift.

After they left, she told us she wanted to have a Pirates of the Caribbean party.....:)

Homemade Hot Cocoa Stand

2008-12-14T13:33:00.005-05:00

Yesterday morning Trinity woke up and said she wanted to have a lemonade stand. I told her it might be too cold outside for lemonade..She then said, "How about Hot Cocoa!"

We got out some big paper stock and started to make the signs. I wrote the words and she painted them.

I started a big pot of hot cocoa, while she got ready with a mental list of what she needed for outside.

Our neighbors came by and one car stopped. She made $8. My in laws are here and they gave her big tips. So her total was $18.

It was fun to talk about what she would like to say to her customers when they came by her table. The interaction was amazing. Everyone was making eye contact with her and asking her questions. I found myself wanting to answer them. I actually did at one point and then I caught myself and said your asking her not me. I will just keep my mouth shut. I felt like a kid again. I laid a blanket out and me and BellaSky sat with her while she waited.

Trinity called it her outside store. She had a blast and I could see the excitement on her face when people stopped by. She also felt sadness when cars didn't stop. By the end she was trying to wave people down to come by. She was very determined and proud of her hot cocoa stand.

It was so much fun. Nurturing her ideas and supporting her in her exploration is what it is all about. Every moment is learning, money, interactions, being the boss of her own business, goals- she said to me, I imagine having a lot of people here mommy. If I put it out there the universe will help right?" I said yes. At one point there were at least 5 people standing there and when they left she said wow that was a lot of people. The universe does provide.

Here are some pics of her set up.

Our Holiday Tradition

2008-12-11T11:29:00.003-05:00

My question that I have had to ask myself was how can I recreate what this holiday can mean for my family? How can I recreate what this holiday means to me? Christmas was never my favorite holiday. It has taken me a couple of years to unravel the wheel in my head. I feel we are going forward now.

When we lived in NJ, every year since George and I have been together we celebrated Christmas Eve with his parents-that was their tradition-santa came to their house at midnight. We then celebrated Christmas day with my family. It felt like one really long day because we were up so late. Though I appreciate everything and I mean everything our family has given Trinity and BellaSky, I feel like it was so overwhelming for Trinity because it was so much stuff. Trinity would have like a minute or two before she was told to open the next one. It would sometimes take her a couple of days to play with any of the things she got.
Now that Trinity is getting older she has a wish list so there are certain things she is looking forward to opening. So it may not be overwhelming for her.
Now I realize too that because the holiday has shifted for me it may not be an issue anymore. It all comes from love.:)

Last year we stayed home (NC) for Christmas and we started a tradition where we celebrate Winter Solstice by making a wreath, lighting candles and saying a blessing, and sending wishes to Mother Earth(Trinity's idea). Then they get to open one gift a night till Christmas- we adopted that from the Jewish tradition. Trinity knows the truth about santa and we felt it would be fun to celebrate the gift of giving a couple of nights rather then one morning. Christmas morning they open family gifts and some little things that we have made for them.

This year I am so excited about Winter Solstice night- we will make a special dinner, make a wreath, say our blessing and send wishes to Mother Earth(this is Trinity's favorite) then we will decorate the christmas tree we used last year that we planted in our back yard and put berries and popcorn and peanut butter pine cones for the birds as an offering. Trinity is looking forward to decorating the house with lights. Last night we made decorations and ornaments for our tree. It has been nothing but fun around here. We have been singing christmas carols and dancing the jingle bells..It has been great.

We talk about the things we want to make for the people that we love. So I feel it is more focused on what we are giving then what we are getting.
It has been very exciting for me and I am feeling like a child again. We aren't shopping and stressing out and feeling like we need to buy so many gifts for family and friends. We are looking forward to making them. Including Trinity on this decision making has made it more meaningful instead of her not being apart of it. She really helps me to slow down. I am so happy that I get to celebrate the gift of giving from a place that has shifted for me and that I get to share this with them..

I just read an article from The Natural Child Project that talks about making sure our children love cup is filled around the holidays. I just love it and it feels so good to connect with my girls and know when their love cup is filled and when it is getting empty. Everyday I wish for them to feel filled but sometimes we can get caught up in stuff. When I feel and notice their love cup getting empty everything stops in the house-nothing is more important then making sure my children feel loved unconditionally.
I hope you take the time to read the article.

BellaSky and Baby

2008-12-02T03:44:00.005-05:00

I had to post these pictures because they are so sweet. I love how much BellaSky is loving the baby inside my belly. She says she has a baby in her belly and it is coming out of her vagina. And when I ask her if she will make sounds when pushing she growls like a lion. Pam England would be pleased. LOL

When I was pregnant with BellaSky, Trinity and I would watch birth movies and crawl on the floor and make birth sounds. I told her it was the only way to help me feel good to prepare her for the birth. BellaSky is younger then Trinity was and it was a little bit harder. She would hit my belly when I would talk about the baby. So I stopped talking about it. Then one day she asked, Baby? and rubbed my belly. She just needed time I guess and I respected it. I really had to work on letting go of trying to control that situation because I was so afraid of it being so hard for her. When I let go and trusted that it will all work out, she is all about the baby. Now we talk about it and on Thanksgiving I wanted to take some shots of my belly and so did BellaSky. It was very sweet.

She asked me to hug her baby. And while I was hugging her baby she was patting my head. I wish you could see it. It was so adorable.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-28T19:09:00.016-05:00

We had an amazing day. It really is amazing how much your children feed off your energy because they were in such good moods today as well. Our vibration of gratefulness, love, peace was so strong that they seemed to feel the same thing. I feel this to be true all the time but today it was very powerful and noticeable. I want everyday to be like this, working together, everyone communicating and sharing and being in a great space to hear one another. It was just beautiful.

On Thanksgiving morning we prepared the dough for Sugar cookies. That is what Trinity wanted for dessert. It was so much fun and the dough tasted yummy.

BellaSky loves getting her hands in anything. Trinity enjoys finding and matching the measurements..-see we are learning everyday even on holidays.

They are mixing the butter with the sugar. They loved the taste of that.

George basted the turkey the day before. He was very excited about HIS turkey. He had so much fun preparing the bird. I usually do all the cooking, but in the past couple of months he has been experimenting-with frozen foods and pastas and baking boxed cakes. It has been fun to watch him. This was really awesome for him to take this on and want to make this turkey for his family. I felt so nurtured by him. It was really nice that I didn't have to do it all. I didn't mind preparing the turkey but when he said he was going to do it I was like OK cool. All I have to do is make the sides. It just really felt like were working together all day long. It was such a beautiful shift for us. I felt so connected to him.

Trinity wanted the leg and that is really all she ate,and when we gave BellaSky a plate of cut up meat she said NO big big!! I am so glad there were two legs. And that is all they both ate.

Later that night before watching Pirates of the Caribbean we made our cookies. See the BIG Belly..That's what BellaSky calls it.

Trinity making her cookies

We made strawberry frosting which didn't turn out very good but the kids liked it..Too sweet for me.

Trinity's cookies. It was a great day all together.

Leaves and Snowflakes

2008-11-24T18:05:00.014-05:00

I feel like I am in this place of watching them, I am not talking much, not doing much, just witnessing them as they do there thing. It is amazing how time just passes. we can choose to let other things get in the way or we can choose to enjoy the moment. What a moment today.
It is a dark picture but they look so cute eating together

playing in the leaves

Trinity wanted to make a kite like she saw on Curious George. She collected everything she needed and I cut out the plastic bag. She ran up and down the yard trying to make it fly but there wasn't any wind.:) It was so much fun watching her make it. She was giving direction at the same time as making it, like a chef talks while preparing a meal. It was very cool.

Trinity and I found a website where you can create your own cyber snowflake. We played for like 45 min together. George suggested that we make paper snowflakes and that was so much fun. We all sat together at the table and cut out snowflakes. It felt so nice to do something together as a family at home. It is so easy to get caught up in the things that need to get done around the house. Connecting with family is my favorite thing to do and I was so happy to be doing it and so where the girls. We danced together after that. It was just a great day all together.

I love this picture of them. Trinity loves having snowflakes inside the house.

I had to post this picture of BellaSky breastfeeding her doggy. She says doggy have milky.

Halloween Pics, George's Birthday and Belly

2008-11-14T15:06:00.019-05:00

I really wanted to post pictures of the girls on Halloween. They made their own Halloween bags and Trinity came up with her Halloween costume-Beautiful Butterfly "BIG WINGS"

She told me how she wanted her face painted. She made her antennas out of pipe cleaners, she was very cute.

BellaSky wanted her face painted just like Trinity and she wore a fairy skirt and slippers. We could not find the wings and she was ok with that.:)

George and Trinity carved the pumpkin and it was his first time ever carving a pumpkin. Trinity thought that was funny.

There was a Halloween block party in our neighborhood and Trinity had fun dancing with the marching band.

Blowing kisses at daddy

She was done walking.`

After hours of trick-or -treating, marching bands, and a fire dancer, we walked home and on the way saw that the Baptist Church was having free face painting and games. So Trinity got to be a vampire as well. She also fell asleep at 2 am that night..

November 1st

Happy Birthday! I forgot to buy candles so we used an incense stick as a candle...:) The girls and I made upside down pineapple cupcakes..Yummy!

I still have more growing to do..it is the angle of the camera. Some people think I am going to burst, this is how I grow people.

You and me baby!

Quick Update

2008-10-08T22:42:00.004-04:00

With everything that is happening in my relationship, I almost feel like everything is at a stand-still. But life still goes on. Gosh there is so much happening but even so I am so appreciative of this process because I am learning so much about myself and George. It is the only way to continue growing. I am feeling so filled up of love and abundance. I trust there is a very good reason as to why we are revisiting this place. I don't know how it will end but then again there never is an end, no finish line- we just keep going. It feels so good to have family and friends to fall into and ask for help which is usually just asking them to listen. And they have so compassionately.

BellaSky is now repeating everything that I am saying or what Trinity is saying, which is so funny. With tone and everything. So if I am expressing myself to George or Trinity,I have an echo, with the same tone..He is looking at me and looking at her and it is very comical..I can only imagine what he is thinking..lol
Trinity is loving to decorate the house for Halloween as it is her favorite holiday. We decorated our outside steps and window. She wants to be a wolf for Halloween and can't wait to go trick or treating. She wanted to make her own trick or treat bag, so they both made one out of a zip lock bags and decorated it with pictures and stickers. She says she is recycling..She is awesome.

The mornings are getting brisk and it has been really nice to stay in bed under the covers and cuddle and talk about our dreams that we had that night. Of course they both argue who is going to lay next to me, and since I can't lay on my back b/c it is very uncomfortable there is only one side of me that is acceptable.:) I have so many pictures that I want to share but I haven't downloaded them yet. I will soon.

The other day I made apple butter and it was so much fun and tasted so good. You can never have enough on warm home made biscuits. Yummy!!
I have been nesting and cleaning and it has been so much fun. I usually don't enjoy it but it has been nice to give love to and prepare my home.

Two weeks ago Trinity and I made energy stones..We found some rocks and painted them with love and hearts and designs and we put them on our nature table.. I only mention that because trinity asked if I was going to put it on the blog and I told her I would. I painted a heart for love and a yin/yang for balance..I plan on putting it on my alter for my birth. She painted an alligator a heart and light. It was so much fun to share that with her. She is very excited that this baby is coming..BellaSky is starting to love my belly and say big belly big growing baby..It is so cute.
I am starting to feel myself going inward-the natural process of pregnancy, it is my favorite part. I receive alot of messages during this stage and I trust I will have many.

One very exciting thing is I taught my 2nd birthing class tonight and it was amazing. The baby is kicking as I am saying it. There was so much connection between the couples and guiding them to stay in that place just brought tears to my eyes because I have been given this opportunity to do so and bare witness to them. I honor that and it has been wonderful for me to be apart of it as a pregnant mother. I am learning from them and reminded of the process. I am loving it.
This is a very all over the place post but life has been all over the place..life can be that way sometimes.. I didn't want to forget these special moments.
I will share pictures soon.
Be well.

A Gift and Letting Go

2008-10-04T21:28:00.004-04:00

Today we were supposed to go pumpkin picking, but I got burned from chicken soup that I was cooking. At the point of which I got burned I knew that we wouldn't be leaving the house. I felt really bad because Trinity was really looking forward to it. Why would I try to flip a chicken over in boiling water? I wonder...
While Trinity and BellaSky played with some friends that came over, George and I were able to have a really deep conversation about what has been happening in the past couple of weeks.
Had I not gotten burned this conversation would not have taken place. The Gift.
It took a really bad wound to bring me to tears, that I have been holding back from George. Yes it burned and I have to treat it but behind the physical pain was emotional pain. But I couldn't get to what was really hurting me because I had to be strong to hold everything together because if I didn't, everything would fall apart.

I realized as the tears were pouring down my face what I was actually doing to myself, my family, to George. It wasn't until I cried from the wound that I knew I could be vulnerablewith George. I stayed with what I was feeling rather then what he was wasn't doing. That was the place I spoke from. So much of my fear was coming out. Everything I have been doing up until now has been coming from fear.
My inner thoughts~
Fear of, I have three more months left in my pregnancy, I have to get this family together to welcome my baby. I have to get my relationship together to welcome my baby. I can't not have a baby in this space when everything around me is falling apart. I can't move into my body until I know for sure that everything will be alright while I am gone. George has to be in a better place with himself before I can hand everything over to him so I can birth my last three months and birth my baby. ~

I have been trying to control everything around me. And it hasn't been working. I got lost in my fear and forgot how to trust, how to trust the process. I haven't been able to let go of having to be in charge of everything and just let everything fall where it needs to fall.
Everyone has been reacting or just feeling my energy around all of this. I created it and I didn't even realize it.
I let so much out today that I actually felt it being lifted. The energy has shifted around the house. I feel compassion again, and I am breathing slower.
I said it out loud that I need to let go of what I have been trying to control...And just trust that everything will be ok and beautiful and positive. George and I will reconnect again. I can reconnect with myself again and welcome my baby in my body so he or she will have a space to be born into...I have to trust that all of these things that i have just said will unfold the way it needs to. And it will be perfect.
I can allow myself to fall into George's arms and not protect myself from him because he isn't the enemy..I feel like my mind is. But that is ok..I forgive me.
I can stand in witness of everything around me, myself, my partner, my children and not have to control any of it. Just let it go and be at peace.( big breath)
One breath at a time......

2008-09-25T09:24:00.004-04:00

I had an emotional night last night. I stepped into a pit of fear of "if she is doing this now it will only get worse as she gets older" Trinity is discovering and choosing that she can deal with her emotions alone, under a tent in her room, with her doors closed, or simply just by saying she doesn't want to talk about it...This has been happening for about two weeks now. It didn't bother me before. I encourage her to discover what works for her and trust that if she needed help she will come to me and she knows that because I tell her. At the moment I am not emotionally detached. I have spiraled down a hole of "shit if she does this now what is going to happen when she is older and going through harder teenage things and she keeps it all from me" Ridiculous I know...but that is what I did when I was a kid.
If I can keep myself out of that fear pit and back to the place I was before all would be fine and I wouldn't even be talking about it..But then I wouldn't have this wonderful opportunity to heal what needs to be healed..( I am being sarcastic but honest) The questions that comes up for me is what am I doing that is not making her feel safe enough for her to talk to me. That is why I didn't talk to my parents, I didn't feel safe. So she must not be feeling safe..So then I go into the other pit of trying too hard and that vibration is just so strong and she feels my energy and is removing herself from me even more..I am so aware of what I am doing and what is happening..
I am feeling as soon as our babies are born they are on the journey of self discovery and need us then don't need us..Stepping stone/milestones it is all part of it..The pulling away process or self confidence and self securety process which should be celebrated and known that it has nothing to do with me.

So as I am having this intense conversation with a 5yr old about why it is important to talk to mommy and daddy and realizing as everything is coming out of my mouth (hidden meaning behind my words) and knowing that it is not up to her to meet a need that I have, I back off, very emotional, but I back off.
I turn to my life partner and talk to him quietly because we are in the car and I am on the verge of tears voice trembling anyone would know I am about to cry...He validates me by saying it is hard..which brings me more to that vulnerable safe place. Trinity asks a question and he answers her but he never came back to me to finish our conversation. So you can imagine how I felt . He started to talk to me about other things that had nothing to do with anything. It was so hard for me, I felt myself shut down. When I said something he was waiting for me to bring it up..For once I don't want to be responsible to ask for what I need I just want it to be known. It was a total downward spiral to my child. I should have just continued speaking after Trinity was finished but I felt he wasn't present and by him saying something like- OK Finish, would have let me know that he was present with me again.
So it was like a double whammy yesterday.
I know where all my feelings are coming from and I also know that it is neither George or Trinity's responsibility to take care of my child..It was just so hard. So I am now just sitting in my emotions. Not trying to fix it or make it go away, just being in it..And it is hard and scary..

I almost feel like my blog is like a picture album. The happy and fun moments are recorded and witnessed. I don't want it to be that way.. My life's journey is a learning process and I have ups and downs. I have struggles that make me question everything. I also know to follow my heart and this path is my heart. The process is what makes me grow and evolve.
I don't want anyone saying "I told you so" I want space to be heard in the place that I am in with compassion and love. I think everyone deserves that.

BellaSky is 2 yrs Old

2008-09-18T23:51:00.013-04:00

BellaSky was born September 18th 2006 at 5am..What an amazing morning.

This morning I woke wondering what time it was and remembering my labor while she breastfed. It was just me and her half awake in bed while George and Trinity were sleeping. I whispered her birth story in her ear. Every now and then she would cuddle closer and closer to me. It was such a bittersweet moment. Not only did I give birth to her but I feel I birthed myself that morning. Happy Birthday Baby I love you so much. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama.

She slowly came out and into this warm water and when her spirit entered her body she moved and I lift her gently out of the water. George was repeating You did it, you did it! And Trinity repeated You did it Baby! You did it!

Trinity was 3years old and loving her baby sister. I was making the necklace around Trinity's neck for the baby while my contractions started.. I held the necklace in my hand during the labor but when my contraction got harder and harder, at one point I threw the necklace across the room b/c I felt the contractions were too powerful for me to handle, but I got through it and found it on Trinity's neck after the birth..lol

Sleeping soundly and beautifully and peacefully.

We kept her placenta attached until it stopped pulsating. I wanted a lotus birth but wasn't sure how that was going to be with Trinity wanting to be around and hold the baby all the time so we just waited till the next day and it was all dried up. Trinity and George cut the cord. It was so beautiful to carry her around with her placenta next to her.

We made beautiful placenta prints and a placenta tincture.

Trinity was so in love with her, still is. Even when she wants space from her.lol

Breastfeeding our babies:)

We had a really sweet day today. I sang happy birthday when she woke up and she was just smiling. I wonder if she knew. I am sure she felt how special the day was. We went out to breakfast and she ate off of everyones plate asking what's this? When we tell her she would say OH..then eat it..We walked around town and visited a soda shop, played and they shared a Chocolate truffle shake together. We had cake before dinner, which was funny.

Naked Baby and her cake. She was singing right along. Anytime someone called to wish her a happy birthday she wished them happy birthday right back. She said Sky's cake?

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

I love capturing them with their daddy.

Beautiful Day!

Our Visit to NJ

2008-09-17T18:11:00.002-04:00

We went to NJ for 6 days for our friends wedding and had a great time. We also got to celebrate three birthdays..It was so much fun. BellaSky didn't want to open gifts but she found some cool things that caught her eye..It was really nice to see our family. This will be my last trip up until the baby is born..I was really happy that we all got to come together. We miss and love you all!

Make a Smilebox photobook

New Endeavors

2008-09-16T11:43:00.004-04:00

I am so excited to share that I am officially an Unschooling United Facilitator. When Dayna posted this idea I was on board from the start but there wasn't space in my life for it. I kept trying to force it but it wasn't working. So I let it go.. Months past and space was provided for this new journey. I have been a La Leche Leader for a couple of years I have also been a birth doula for 5 years and I feel this is a great way to continue to give and receive support..It is such a natural process of meeting our children's needs from birth-the pregnancy and connection with your baby to infancy -knowing when they are hungry, tired,changing of diapers/or needing to eliminate( EC) to the toddler years of extended breastfeeding, them needing a different kind of emotional support and comfort and loving guidance, and continue through the many new stages in their life, education being one of them. I feel there is support out there until a certain age but then after it is all lost.

This natural process of attachment parenting doesn't have to stop when they reach a certain age it can continue. I have heard many times, have had enough of what ever it is they are into..Not all breastfeeding mothers say to their infant or 9month old they have had enough milk while they are nursing and take them off the breast, they know and trust that when that baby is full the baby will let go. The baby knows when he is full and has had enough. If that trust in our babies continues through out childhood that child will know and trust their own bodies when they have had enough of anything. There are so many times when I find myself having such a hard time with emotional situations and I am an adult with experience and tools. I can't imagine not having support or some telling me to sit by myself and deal with it alone, when all I want is to be held and heard.

Children have their own journeys and have their own experiences that are different from our own. Separating ourselves from them helps us see them more as their own individual. Allowing them that same freedom they had when they where babies to express their needs and meeting them gives them more trust and confidence in themselves and allows a better trust in the parent child relationship. Loving guidance and respect through this process will create a joyful and happy life as a family.

I really look forward to giving this type of support to other families that want something different and are in transition to living this way because it can be hard work. But at the same time it is constant healing. With support and community it is possible to free ourselves from our past and change our future and support our children in theirs fully and organically..I am so excited to be apart of this. Life is learning -

what I touched on was the emotional aspect, there is the educational piece of unschooling. The website has more info.

5AM Challah

2008-09-02T11:29:00.010-04:00

BellaSky decided that is was time to wake up at 4am today. Trinity second that notion. They both played with the doodle pad on the bed. Trinity was helping BellaSky with all her questions. It was actually very cute while I was feeling dizzy from being so tired. We all said goodbye to daddy as he left for work. He wished me luck..:)At first I was feeling and wishing they would go back to sleep, but they were in their own world having nothing to do with mine. It would have just ended up in a struggle. I laid next to them and shut my eyes for a little..

Then Trinity asked me, if we don't practice a religion then what do we practice? There is no better time then anytime for any questions..lol This was a previous conversation the night before that we all had together. I told her we practice mindfulness, awareness and we support constant human evolution..and though we don't practice an organized religion, we do believe in God-greater power and that he/she is in all of us. He isn't one person. She asked, are we Jewish..I said no, ...(our neighbors are and Trinity has broke bread with them many times)

I asked her if she would like to make Challah and break bread and say a blessing..She was very excited..So i got out of bed and searched for Challah recipes.. I found a recipe that was called Apple cider Challah.. We made Challah for the first time at 5am. She was very enthusiastic about helping. I have never made it before so I wasn't sure what it was supposed to feel like.. It was fun..

BellaSky wanted to take a bath with her dinosaurs. Then we watched Charlotte's Web (BellaSky's new favorite movie b/c it has horses in it)and we all fell asleep on the couch waiting for the dough to rise. We didn't wake up until 9:30 -10...

The Dough has Risen!, lol speaking of what we practice...we practice dough in our home. (it has been a long time since making bread in our home since I have been pregnant)
It was so much fun braiding and glazing with honey.Trinity said she painted it. What a peaceful early morning.

We did say a blessing and drank red wine-Trinity wished to find BellaSky's dog that they hid behind the couch. Then Trinity said she wanted to be Jewish. When I asked why, she explained becasue she wanted to break bread. I explained that we can break bread anytime she wants to...
It feels so good to let go and just be with them..It took me a while but it was wonderful to connect with them in their way, the way they wanted to. I am so happy I can meet them there. We are so connected and now I am ready for a nap.

Future thought

2008-09-01T22:22:00.002-04:00

Everyone is sleeping and it is 10: 21pm...wow, the house is quiet..
What will our life be like when they are all older? Trinity always asks me, when I am 13 how old will BellaSky and the baby be? Or when I am 21?
So at 13 BellaSky will be 10 and the baby who won't be a baby will be 8. I wonder what our life will look like.
We live in the moment so much it is really hard to look at what next week will look like.. Hmmmmm.
It makes me smile as I think about it. I feel like it will be so much fun..

Everyday is painting day

2008-08-30T12:25:00.015-04:00

Trinity and BellaSky love to paint. They are so focused.
All the paints, brushes, material are at arms reach for them. They are always available. Trinity loves creating and drawing pictures and painting them.
BellaSky was always taking Trinity's drawing pads and painting or drawing on them, and trinity wasn't too happy about that. I don't blame her she really puts alot of work into her art. So we bought BellaSky her own pad of paper just for her, more paints, more brushes, and projects, and we got them spin art machine....All the paper it came with is gone and all the paint is gone..They had a blast!...naked..lol they are always naked.. it was fun to watch them talk about who's turn it is..BellaSky feels it is always her turn..

She painted a deer

BellaSky and Trinity sharing a turn- that cute butt...

Finally her turn! It must feel like forever for her.

There art for today...there is a blue picture that BellaSky made on the bottom left, it reminded me of the International Breastfeeding Friendly picture that was made for the Mothering Magazine contest.

Some extra pictures.

Trinity in her office.

BellaSky was determined...

She was hungry..