Saturday, August 3, 2013

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mother's death. Seven years. I knew it was coming a week before. I felt it in my body. The days came and gone. I did everything I needed to do to keep myself busy, but the day still arrived. I didn't wake up one day and realized I had missed it. I remember one year that happened, and I didn't feel good at all..Now that it has past, I don't feel any better. I thought this was supposed to get easier...but it isn't...and, I think it is because grief just brings up all that is to be grieved...The one year anniversary of Kathy's death is coming next month and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it...I don't like the word anniversary that needs to be changed...

...but back to my mother...

There are so many unfinished conversation, unanswered questions, more hugs to have been had, more times to have been held. To be held a way a mother holds you no matter how old you are...I can only imagine what that feels like as an adult..And, I am angry. I'm sad. I'm grateful. I am all of it.
I am longing for that connection that binds us as mothers, daughters, women, sisters, friends....some people will say your mother is never your friend. I beg the differ. Or maybe I just fantasize about what our relationship would look like in my mind. And in reality that may not be so....but, with my imagination and what I knew of my mother..I think it would have come close...my heart was heavy yesterday, still is today...I don't think that longing will ever go away...ever..

You will always be in my heart, in my conversations in my head, and in my dreams..,


 Charlestown Beach in RI. in honor of my mother, Veronica.




LOVE

2 comments:

Melissa said...

Natalie -- I just saw this post...April was the 6th anniversary of the very sudden and unexpected loss of my father. But that's not why seeing this today was important -- for some reason my father has been all over my heart and mind yesterday and today. Always on the verge of tears, I miss him desperately, it never gets better and I just want him back. Thank you for posting -- and I look forward to meeting you and your kids at an upcoming group gathering!

George said...

Thank you for your words, Melissa. I can relate to your feelings. It is nice to know I am not alone. I too look forward to meeting you and Lex..Natalie