Back in early January I came home from an amazing experience at Shalom. I moved through grief. Grief like I have never experienced. The death of my dear friend, Kathy. I found joy on the other side...and I never imagined that i would. What I came away with was, to live. To really live. Kathy new how to live her life to the fullest. However it is going to look, I came home knowing I needed to live each moment.
Since i don't know how to take baby steps in anything, i ask myself... How can I live from the ground up, from the inside out? I am really connected spiritually, emotionally, I work really hard with the mind...spirit...but not so much the body....that is too scary....
What I had been sitting with and wanting was to have a good relationship with is my body. Luna is starting to wean more, my body is getting closer to being my own again... How can I step into myself and live fully? Food! I wanted a very different relationship with food.
I love food, and food loves me well. It has taken care of me when I have been sad, angry, lonely, happy, nervous, when I have wanted to celebrate...Food is this mans best friend. It never abandoned me. How do I detach from it emotionally and only allow it to nourish me? That was just the first step. Aaand, how do I not label this as a "diet" because the joy of eating is also connecting to the food and giving my body what it needs. I did not want to deprive myself. Sometimes there is such a thing as soul food. It feeds the soul:)
I started making raw veggie smoothies every morning. I also started making almond milk on a regular basis. While I was adding these yummy delicious clean earthy foods to the rhythm of my day, I decided it was time to make space for...what ever else is needed.
So I took out gluten. I had been entertaining the idea with eliminating gluten from my diet for a long time. I have very bad seasonal allergies, especially in the fall, and many people were telling me to take out gluten because it made a very big difference. A year and half ago I didn't think I could do it because I didn't want to. But in Jan. it happened sort of all by itself. My body was filled with so much nutrients, I didn't really crave it. Only when I told myself I couldn't have it, is when i wanted it. I didn't eat that much to begin with but again my emotional attachment was what stopped me. In the last 4 months, I have eaten it, sometimes it didn't effect me and sometimes it did. I would feel bloated, heavy, and would get a bad stomach ache. My mood was very effected. I became very irritable. Who knew?!
This brings me to my point. "Eating gluten free isn't really healthy if you are replacing your gluten with rice, corn, potatoes, sorghum, tapioca flours...they are higher in carbohydrates, lower in protein and other nutrients then wheat flour..Basically-the typical gluten free ingredients that are used in place of wheat are less nutritious than wheat itself."
It is like someone becoming a vegetarian and replacing their meat with processed soy products...it isn't healthy...and soy is so bad for our bodies...
I have discovered using almond meal, then almond flour and it's differences...I make pancakes out of almond meal, pizza crust, and just yesterday I made pancakes that was a banana base. I love cooking and it is exciting to me to have this whole other door open up and recreate the meals that i love, that are more nourishing to my body. And I actually feel so much better.
I bought this book called the Gluten -Free Almond Flour Cookbook....almonds are my new favorite snack...in all its forms.
I am not trying to get skinny, it isn't in my genes, but I do want to love my body by what I put in it, and I do want to feel more energy, and I just want to feel clean. I am renegotiating my relationship with food and my body, and I am starting to feel the difference...so far living consciously with what goes in, is bringing me back to living fully alive...
I just joined a crossfit gym because my sister really inspired me. It is kicking my ass. And, I love it. And so does my body. It is tapping into depths of my physical self that I have been avoiding for a long time. It almost feels like giving birth. Your body is birthing this baby out, and it is a sensation you will never be able to replicate. Surrendering to the sensation, that sometimes scares you because you don't know when it will stop, when it will be over....You feel like you are going to die, and in some ways you do. You die and rebirth yourself in the process. The emotional attachment I have with enduring pain, not knowing when it will end, when it will be over....and surrendering to it. Being in my body, in my physical self brings up so much....Not sure what I will find. So I am walking gently and lovingly with all of it.
Kathy, you knew how to live and love, my dear friend. That is one of many gifts you have given me. Thank you for loving me so unconditionally. I miss you so much.