Today not so much. Trinity wanted to add wire necklaces to her Etsy account. I couldn't help her. Bellasky wanted to make wish dolls, then check the coop for eggs(the roosters attacked her yesterday, now she is terrified to go outside. And, they will be slaughtered on Friday by George's mother.) They had a really hard time waiting for me to be done. I know this feeling. I can relate.
I suddenly went from feeling good, to not feeling good, and anxious. i almost didn't want to cook anymore. The reason why I continued doing it was because in that very specific moment it was better then doing anything else. As I am flipping pancakes and making nut milk, I asked myself why. Then I realized my need to reflect. Just reflect on my life, my growth, my passions the moment. I just wanted to be with my feelings. I didn't want anyone talking to me, asking me questions, need me. I just wanted to be. Just be. Just the food and me. As soon as I realized what I needed the anxiety subsided. I didn't feel like I didn't want to help them anymore. I just wanted some space. The resistance to helping them let up. As soon as i was done with the banana chia pudding I could help Trinity download the pictures while still making pancakes. I was able to be in compassion and patience again rather then be tight and stiff and uncomfortable. I contracted with myself that after I was done cooking, I would alternate with them and myself. Help BellaSky, then be with myself, then Trinity, then myself, then Luna and so on. Honestly that is what today will look like.
Parenting the way I parent, is intense and challenging. And if gives me awareness of self, opportunities for growth, having intentions, and self love in a way I have been needing in a really long time. It's expansive. It is scary, and it is the only way I know how to do it and want to do it. My children deserve that, and so do I.
It is crazy to see how cooking has become a place of reflection for me. I love cooking, but now I would like to create space to intentionally reflect. Not sneak it in. What a gift today.
I am thankful for my children who show me how to live my life. I am thankful for my partner who loves all of me always and in all ways. I am thankful for my family I chose to be born into because with out the eight of them, I wouldn't be who I am today, my light and my dark. I am thankful for myself and my commitment to self love. Finally, I am arriving.