I have been feeling really stuck lately. I sit from a distance and watch myself. I feel the contract between my selves who sit in negotiation. Who is going to do what? And the all of my parts are saying, not me! I sit and I want to jump in but I feel stuck. It isn't my place to. The same way I mother my children, sitting and observing. Knowing and experiencing the differences from when I jump in and solicit my opinion, my loud voice, and when I just stay at bay, and watch. Their experiences of making decisions are the building blocks to their own foundation of self. Who I am to get in the way of that. That's the base line. It's only after that, that my guidance comes in. (that may be confusing to you, but i can't stop to explain what that means) This practice I can do for them, but not for myself. It makes me feel lost.
The parts of myself- all my parts, my selves, if you still don't know what I mean, how about this? You know when you are explaining your feelings, and you say, a part of me feels this way and another part of me feels that way....or you can feel one way one minute, then have a opposite reaction another minute, sometimes it even shocks you. Those are the different parts of you, and they all matter, all of their feelings are valid. None that need to be changed. Mothering the inner child is allowing all of our selves to have a voice and a space to express them and most importantly, honor them. The next step? Making sure those parts are not in charge. Next step? Integration.
All of my parts are here with me all the time and I am getting to know them by listening. really listening, and watching. It feels like I am unraveling what feels like a sweater, but then I find myself in an unraveled wardrobe. I am drowning in a mess. And like trying to clean out that closet of junk or baggage, you do not know where to start. Well, Fall is here and Winter is around the corner. I need to clean house. My house, my inner home. And these younger parts of me don't want to. And, that makes me feel stuck. Simultaneously, I am observing. Creating the space for my younger selves to come out and speak their mind, because I haven't allowed them to before. She/me(the younger self) hasn't been mothered, nurtured, cared for, tended to, in the way she needed. She had to grow up really fast. And she is done taking care of others.
I am finding that balance of letting others take care of me and trusting their yes, finding what feels good inside of me, and be a parent. I am practicing asking myself, does this feel good? or what feels good?. What do I really want and need in this moment? It requires the listening, and noticing the resistance in me. And not just seeing it as bad behavior but digging deeper underneath it. The same way i do with my children Do you remember? Are they bored, tired, hungry...So I can honor its origin. And then move forward.
Someone I know posted a blog about primary food and secondary food. I just shared this very philosophy with some homeschooling friends last week. The signs are there for me as reminders. What are my primary foods? I am trying really hard to figure them out. I am finding they are under deep deep places. Which requires more unraveling. So I am now surrendering to finding the comfortable in the uncomfortable. This deep inner work never stops. And when you think you are finished, another layer of the onion peels away. And you are back at the same place, only with new eyes and deeper clarity and..more work. That is where the growth lies.
This morning I woke up, and I wanted to move my body in a way that i felt so much resistance for a really long time. Running. I hate running. It scares me. To fail scares me. To quit scares me. To feel parts of my body that hurts, scares me. And I wanted to run. I also like following a structure of some sort. And I have been entertaining the idea of, From the couch to 5k. It is manageable for me. My kids wanted to go. So we all went. Aside from the two dogs, friendly dogs running after the kids, (it scared them) it was so much fun. My body bringing me to a far distance, made me feel strong. It hurt my chest, not surprised, since my heart feels really tight and closed... I felt movement, engagement, connection to my body. I also felt my younger self, maybe entertaining the idea of a relationship with me. Allowing herself to trust me to love and nurture her.
Like I said, movement.