I spoke with a dear friend of mine, and she said to me that it sounded like i wasn't getting my needs met. She then asked me what I needed. I don't know what I need. I need something. And I don't know what that something is. There are little things that I need, but they don't make up for all the bigger things that I am not getting.
Trinity asked me when I raised my voice, "Mommy are you having a bad day or are you really mad at us?" It was one of those moments where I felt like I was looking up at my child. My head and shoulders dropped to the pit of my stomach. All I could say was thank you for saying that, and I am so sorry, yes I am having a really bad day. It has nothing to do with you guys. You don't deserve me taking it out on you. They hugged me tightly and I held them back. I was wrong. It hurts my body to hear parents yell at their children. It really does. That is how much it hurts the child. I don't want to hurt or scare my children. I don't want them to become used to it to the point it doesn't bother them. Because it is not ok. I don't want someone yelling at me. So how could I think it is ok to yell at them. I remember what that was like as a kid. I also know that I can be really hard on myself. I don't want to put myself down. I don't always know how to forgive myself. In this moment I know I am a great mother. I know I have some really big emotions that are stuck inside me. I know it is not ok to put it on them.
I just re-read what I wrote about no one hearing Luna. I mean even now when I write it I am hearing in myself that someone is not being heard in me. My children aren't hearing the thing that I need them to hear because it is under what I am saying to them. They can't hear it. And, maybe that is why they aren't listening, because they already know that I am really not even speaking to them. Because I am not really. There are things I need them to hear when it comes to them, but I can not have the expectation for them to hear my "stuff". So what do I need? I need to be heard. I need to speak my truth in order to be heard though. I don't think i am doing that. Actually come to think of it, I have not been speaking my truth. There is fear there. If I speak my truth, people may not like it. Is it safe? And if people leave, then that is ok too. Right?
This shit never ends...at least in my head...
I am leaving for four days. To a place where i will be heard. I am getting over a really bad cold. I know sometimes loosing it happens, but i need to figure out a way to deal with the anger. Help...how do you deal with anger?