Wednesday, November 9, 2011

There are gifts in the chaos

This was not my best week. I was feeling irritable and impatient. I tried to set some time aside this week for myself, from stepping out for a couple of hours to 20 minutes alone in my bedroom. I couldn't get myself to be ok with where I was. Everything was annoying me. When the girls were fighting or ignoring Luna, it upset me. It isn't ok when another person in the house is talking and they aren't hearing her. That doesn't sit well with me. To the point I would yell, because after three times of helping them they would still fight or ignore Luna. It isn't ok for me to yell at my children. I realize i don't really talk about loosing it so much on here. I lost it. For the past couple of months i have not lost it on them. I was really proud of that. I worked really hard on being aware of those moments before i get to that place. Usually I can. This past week, I just couldn't. I am reminded that I am human. I can't prevent things from happening...all the time. But I do keep trying.:)

I spoke with a dear friend of mine, and she said to me that it sounded like i wasn't getting my needs met. She then asked me what I needed. I don't know what I need. I need something. And I don't know what that something is. There are little things that I need, but they don't make up for all the bigger things that I am not getting.
Trinity asked me when I raised my voice, "Mommy are you having a bad day or are you really mad at us?" It was one of those moments where I felt like I was looking up at my child. My head and shoulders dropped to the pit of my stomach. All I could say was thank you for saying that, and I am so sorry, yes I am having a really bad day. It has nothing to do with you guys. You don't deserve me taking it out on you. They hugged me tightly and I held them back. I was wrong. It hurts my body to hear parents yell at their children. It really does. That is how much it hurts the child. I don't want to hurt or scare my children. I don't want them to become used to it to the point it doesn't bother them. Because it is not ok. I don't want someone yelling at me. So how could I think it is ok to yell at them. I remember what that was like as a kid. I also know that I can be really hard on myself. I don't want to put myself down. I don't always know how to forgive myself. In this moment I know I am a great mother. I know I have some really big emotions that are stuck inside me. I know it is not ok to put it on them.

I just re-read what I wrote about no one hearing Luna. I mean even now when I write it I am hearing in myself that someone is not being heard in me. My children aren't hearing the thing that I need them to hear because it is under what I am saying to them. They can't hear it. And, maybe that is why they aren't listening, because they already know that I am really not even speaking to them. Because I am not really. There are things I need them to hear when it comes to them, but I can not have the expectation for them to hear my "stuff". So what do I need? I need to be heard. I need to speak my truth in order to be heard though. I don't think i am doing that. Actually come to think of it, I have not been speaking my truth. There is fear there. If I speak my truth, people may not like it. Is it safe? And if people leave, then that is ok too. Right?
This shit never ends...at least in my head...
I am leaving for four days. To a place where i will be heard. I am getting over a really bad cold. I know sometimes loosing it happens, but i need to figure out a way to deal with the anger. Help...how do you deal with anger?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Be kind to yourself -- self-reflection is a wonderful thing, but do remember you're human (and will constantly evolve!)

-kari