Life is like the process of giving birth. For me at least. While it is exciting, it is hard work. While feelings of euphoria circle your entire auric field and physical body..pure ecstasy...there are things you have go through to get there. I had to walk through the storm to get there. I can't speak for everyone. Towards the end whats called transition, you find yourself at a fork in the road...do you let go or do you keep fighting to hold on? When you finally surrender..you die..because you have to in order to birth your baby and yourself... You will never be the exactly the same again. The most beautiful, most powerful moment. Like a butterfly coming out of a chrysalis. It will never be a caterpillar again.
I find life to be the same way for me. It is a cycle. And within the cycle there are many cycles. Being present will only get you through that one contraction. Thinking of the many contractions to come will only make it all harder. Like in life when things get intense the body will tense up, and if you aren't connected to your body with out even realizing it your body will hold its breath. If you don't take intentional deep breaths the pain will only grow and explore the places in your body that don't have circulation. Then when you feel your body hurting, fear sets in. This is the cycle within the cycle I was speaking of.
FEAR comes in many many forms... Voices that can be your own, projections of others, the news, institutions....It is all monkey chatter. The pain, the fear, the voices will reside there in your body causing you suffering until you relieve it by breathing, by staying connected and listening to only what your body is saying. (In life I call it changing your story)
I am being tested in a way like never before. George has been living in MA. I have been a single parent for the past two months. I am packing up my house. All i have is my breath. (Even while i write this i am feeling really vulnerable.) I am finding things about myself that I never would have known had I not had this opportunity.
Being present wasn't always so hard for me but by not having George around, it has been challenging. I am sometimes connectedly disconnected if that even makes sense. Learning that I can't be everything and everywhere all at the same time for the girls, and for real now that I don't have my beloved partner here with me to co-parent. I have also come to the realization that he was the one taking care of my "inner" child. I put myself in a position where I had no choice. I had to take care of her. That was a bitch. I was very resentful for a while. On top of everything that I am doing I have to take care of her too? That's how i felt. I think her and I have gotten acquainted now. I have been working on being softer and loving with myself. Learning that is no ones job to nurture me but me. So that has been very interesting...The days that I take care of myself well are very different from the days I don't. It is like taking the green or blue pill that Neo took..I can't go back knowing what I know about myself.
I have so much appreciation for the things that George does around the house and I know I am capable of doing it and wonder why i haven't done them before. Also learning that I am not the only one responsible for nurturing of our children. We both have something wonderful to offer them, and deep down inside I know this to be true, but I sometimes get protective. If I keep translating for him and for them they will never learn to navigate their relationship with one another...that one is going to take practice. I need to zip my lip and walk away.I can't guide the kids through every single argument and I am probably not supposed to. ..of course these are just pieces of the whole...
I have been trudging through this emotional storm...when will i see the light...even though there is a date of when we will all be together again-there has been so much time apart that what was has died and now something new is emerging...And we will be learning one another all over again-a new cycle with in the cycle.
Saturday we were driving home from the beach. I was on the phone with George- he was on a lunch break. The kids were watching a movie in the back. There were winds and lightening, huge lightening rods actually..I was shocked. Ginormous black grey cloud to the left of me. I was noticing all these visual things all the while talking with George. My body started to hold its breath. I suddenly had a vision of a tornado coming my way and in a quick second in my vision I said my last goodbyes and I love yous to George and never told the girls about the tornado. Back to reality on the phone with George I said to him, I think there is a tornado coming or happening right now. We talked a little while before he went back to work...I shared my vision with him...He got nervous and told me to turn on the radio...I jumped back with a big NO...he reminded me to listen to my gut.
I was really aware of the the fact that if i told the kids there was a really bad storm let alone a tornado they would have freaked out and it would have been harder for me to figure out what to do. Had I turned on the radio I knew that I would have been injected with fear. So I just kept driving and breathing. There were cars pulled over on the side of the road and under the over pass. It started to rain hard and hail..Big thumps were hitting the car..They noticed it but nothing came of it. I didn't have time to feel scared though I new I was but I just kept breathing. I asked myself do i keep going or do I pull over?
Something was telling me to keep going. And I trusted that. Just keep going I kept saying. I was wondering what would I do if i did see a tornado and for some reason I didn't continue that dialogue. I just kept driving and breathing..After some miles the rain stopped and we came to orange cones and one lane. Firetrucks and police cars..The tornado came through Hwy 40 and I saw the damaged path of the trees and metal scraps and flipped over tractor trailer and cars. My eyes widened and I felt frozen. The path was about a block long. After that I turned on the radio. On every station there were directions on what to do for the tornado. They were telling people to go to cover and protect yourself. I was really grateful for not turning on the radio. I knew what it would have done to me. I am obviously living to tell the story...but when I saw blue skies i felt like getting out and kissing the ground. When i got home i felt the adrenaline kick in..I did end up telling the kids and they were wishing I had told them. I am still glad I didn't. It really is amazing how life works and what comes our way...How in that one hour I was feeling what I have been feeling in these past two months. We always come out on the other side.
A dear friend of mine laughed and said Natalie you take unassisted birth to a whole new level...That felt so good to hear..Most people were saying how and why and you should have done this or that...just like birth...you should give birth this way or that way...But Maria made something that was scary into something that was beautiful and powerful for me, in my experience. She even thanked me for doing it that way. I don't give myself a lot of credit because I don't know how to. I want to start trying. So thank you Maria for giving me that gift in taking my first step..
Right now I feel like I can get through anything just like I felt after giving birth. I am fierce and powerful and I have an amazing intuition and I trust my body. When giving birth to BellaSky and Luna I trusted that if something was wrong I would be the first to know. With Trinity's birth I learned that when there are too many people telling what to do I can't hear what my body needs. I work hard and I am grateful for my breath. I am an amazing mother. I will be forever learning and growing and rebirthing myself..I will die and come back a million times. I am a rock and I am a feather, I am masculine and I am feminine, I am the yin and the yang..I am the dark and the light..I want to keep going and I will never stop pushing down walls and barriers ...I will never stop being just where I am supposed to be..i am thankful for all that I am. I love that little girl in me and am grateful for her...
Life will always have storms, emotional and physical....with respect and grace i will always get through it...and my breath will always guide me..