Thursday, March 17, 2011

Mistakes and Apologies

When I think back as a child. I have lots of memories of Love, intense love. I also have memories of intense pain and sadness. I can't change those things, and i am not trying to. It all makes me who I am today. I wonder sometimes though, what would an "I'm sorry" feel like and look like? How would that have landed on me? What would be different in me today? My purpose for writing is not to go down memory lane nor place blame. My parents did the best they could with what they had. All of them.

My father sent an email to me and my sisters about a website that teaches math. A little bit of history..My dad wasn't the greatest person when it came to helping us with math. He wasn't very nice. He always lost his patience. He was scary. He would yell at us if we used our fingers. We would be afraid to answer questions because if we got it wrong then he would get really mad. His eyes would get big and then talk through is his teeth. It wasn't fun at all..So for as long as i can remember we have teased him about it.

In this email he explains a little about the website -learning at your own pace, and he jokingly acknowledges that it is better then learning from him. He ends the email with 'sorry for being so mean'.

In all the times we laughed and made light of how he was with us with math, he would joke back with us and laugh at himself. We weren't looking for an apology, at least not for this. After reading his words, I really felt it in my body. It made me take a deep breath. It really healed something in me. It validated me and I felt seen. My inner child felt seen. She felt her self worth. She felt loved. I shared my feeling with him and thanked him. One of my other sisters responded to his apology too the same way. I have to say I think we all felt it. And it meant so much to me. I am grateful for that. And I love him more for it.

I make mistakes. I react sometimes too. I loose my patient. The one thing that I do when that does happen is I own up to my mistake and I apologize to my kids. I let them know that they don't deserve how I just treated them. I tell them that no one should treat them that way not even me. I know I am pieces and have pieces of all who raised me, along with with my blue prints. I work really hard to keep that shit to the side and not let it get in the way of loving them the way they deserve. I wait to deal with it later, or request a couple of minutes if I can't be present for them in that moment. When later comes i ask myself what is it about this situation that really bothers me. What is underneath it? After processing it I figure out why I was triggered. Sometimes I can do it on the spot and sometimes it takes a while. What they deserve is my authenticity. That takes getting to know me and my own personal boundaries. And when it is the unarguemental truth they really respond to it. They get it. When I am prancing around it and am unsure,they see right through the bullshit. Then in return it feels like they are pressing all my buttons...but that is for another post..

All I know is it felt so good to read the words 'I'm Sorry'. And something did shift inside of me. That is all children want. That is all they ask for.~To love and to be Loved...See me in my own uniqueness- know that i am a very sensitive person and this is not ok, or just know what my needs are....and I have a right to feel as I do- with out repercussions.
It is all a gift.

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