Sunday, July 5, 2009

Some thoughts

BellaSky will be three in September. I can not remember what Trinity was like at this age. It really doesn't matter anyway. It isn't like the experience will benefit me with BellaSky because they are totally two different beings. BellaSky is such a strong independent person. Sometimes I forget she is two. Then when times are hard and boy have they been hard in the last three days, I have to remind myself she is two. I have gotten so used to being a certain mother with Trinity and then having to change myself and be a different mother to BellaSky doesn't always flow. I actually should give myself more credit because there are weeks where there are smooth fluid days and then there are not and that is ok.
She screams when she is angry. She doesn't want to express herself with words. She wants nothing to do with anyone when she is angry and I feel like she is always angry but I know that is not true. She expresses her anger in a way that I was probably not allowed to express it which makes it hard to watch sometimes. She is not the type of child that wants love or cuddles offered. It pisses her off more. SO I have learned that on more then one occasion.
She had a very hard moment today. She asked me to get away and so I did. And she cried and cried. It was hard, she really didn't want me. I peaked in every now and again. Then i could feel the shift and I sat on the couch. I felt helpless and neutral at the same time if that is even possible. It was wonderful to trust that she will let me now what she needs next and like I wanted to just hug her. I wonder where it all comes from for her. The fact she didn't want to talk about it made me feel she is holding it all in. On the contrary, she released by screaming and crying. All she wanted was milk. She laid in my arms sweating and with blotchy face and I looked at her. i said in more ways then one BellaSky you are showing me how to be a different mommy to you and sometimes I don't think I am doing a good job. She was half asleep and she just put her hand over my mouth. Too many words I guess. I said in my body that I am listening. She fell asleep.
I can sit here and say she is this and that and label her as what ever else, but the moment I take a stand on thinking that I know who she is, is the moment I close the door to learning who she is and who she will become. I want to shift my mind body and soul and not look at her say this is her personality, but be able to say this is what happened today. That is it, this is just what happened today. Tomorrow will be something different, it might even be the same but that doesn't matter.
I feel like that is how the suffering story happens in our mind. I add it to my own story about myself and it adds onto her story about herself. I hope this is making sense. Instead I can look at it for that moment and move through it mindfully and presently. As easily as I exhale is as easy as I can move through the day. I don't hold on to it. And I mean that in way where for example as while I was holding her sleeping, I shared all of my thoughts and emotions and fears even tears with George, but then I let it go. It didn't attach itself to me or her. I feel the pain but I don't allow myself nor her to suffer from it.

She is an amazing being. She knows so well what she needs. Do I know so well what I need? hmmmmmm......

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