Sunday, April 26, 2009

Missing Home

So we have been in NJ for almost a month now. I know and feel it was a month too long. It started out as a week all together that turned into two more weeks with out George(he went back home to work)
We are picking him up today. I am so excited, the girls are so excited. Then we will venture to Lebanon NJ for A Great Big Happy Life Radical Unschooling Retreat(Conference). Life isn't feeling so great and happy right now, but I think it will when we pick up George.
By the end we would have been in NJ a month. Did I mention a month too long?

The first week away from George we had a great time catching up with friends and family. The second week the girls caught really bad colds and had temps, even Luna. I feel emotionally drained.
Then I got some kind of head thing. Which I think really stems from how I am emotionally feeling. Stuck in my head. Trinity said it is filled up with water. I am so stuck in my head because I have felt so stuck here. All I want to do is go home. If I were a little more on top of things mentally and emotionally and I want to add energetically. I would be home in my body. Just that in and of itself would make a huge difference.

I have been standing outside myself and noticing the little things I don't normally do for the sake of knowing my parents are really watching me, hence stuck in my head, hence head cold . Which has caused my children to wonder why is mommy acting this way, this isn't who she is, which causes a "behavior" that probably proves a case in which my parents feel I am making this all harder on myself. Granted it is very hard since I have been here because we are not home. I have been doing this by myself for the past two weeks and I am tired. BUT, big but there, it won't change how I do things. It just helps me recognize that I can't be in NJ with out George for this long. The flip side fo this magical coin is that I need to go through this because I have always felt confused about coming back to NJ when visiting. I felt weird because it still felt like my home. My home is really in Durham, NC. I feel that with every ounce of my being. NJ is no longer my home nor do I want it to be. I love where we live, I love the friends that I have. I am so grateful for my life there. There aren't any restrictions within myself and my family. It is just us. The freedom tastes really good. I don't feel free here. The pace is so different the people are so different. I love my family and friends that are here, but I love my life in NC. I needed to come to that conclusion and this was the way of doing it. SO I am happy to have gained that perspective. It feels complete. I feel complete.

Trinity is very tuned in as all children are. Last night while putting her to bed I was holding her and she was holding on to me so tight. I said if you have children and if you unschool, I will always be here for you through all your processes. I will support you and really see and listen to your children.. (Mom and dad this isn't saying you don't do these things,you do. We have all come along way and I am appreciative where we are in in our unfolding journey of unschooling with the grandparents. I just needed to say this to her.)
I then said I am so sorry it has been so hard this past week. She looks at me and says, "Mommy, you just need to be yourself, be yourself, like you are now."

Words of wisdom right there. I do need to be myself. Sometimes I don't know how to do that here, I don't know who myself is. I know who I am at home. But I will continue to search for me while in NJ while visiting. I can easily say well I just won't come anymore so I don't have to feel this way, but that would just be me avoiding myself. I don't want to do that. I feel this is very healing for me and I will overcome this. It will just take time.

I can't wait for the conference and being around my tribe. So I can get back into my body and be home once again.


Stephanie said...

Beautiful post!!

I was nodding my head with everything you were saying, I think. :)
(Not the New Jersey part, but you know.)

How wonderful to get to come Home! Really home. And to to have your children reiterate that you were home (yourself) before!!
A wonderful gift at the end of a somewhat painful process.

Yay for you!!

Anonymous said...

I remember in our conversation this past weekend, and you expressing your need to be yourself and to feel comfortable. I'm sure you were feeling lost without George, dad and I opened our home to you and the children and gave you your space; dad helped you immensely with cooking, cleaning and helping with the children on his days off. We changed our daily routines and lived around your schedule. Although this is not our comfort zone, we did it lovingly and openly trying not burdening you and making everyone feel as comfortable as we possibly could. I hope you know that.

I understand the out of element feeling, because we feel the same way when we visit North Carolina. We are definitely out of our safe zone and in yours, and totally respect your belief and have never expected anything different.

Dad and I hope that your can find your happiness where ever it may be. We have both been in your shoes and have overcome… I believe you can too, it will just take some time.
Love mom

Natalie said...

I do know that. I am very appreciative of everything you both did. This is all my stuff and I am very well aware of that as well.
Thank you for holding me in my most vulnerable place. I love you.