Sunday, February 22, 2009

Second Guessing Myself

So when George came home he watched the video and was laughing so hard. When it came to witnessing how sad she was he expressed to me that this video was very private. He didn't think I should have put it on the blog. He thought I should just file it for her to watch when ever she wants to. I told him that she wanted me to post so everyone could see it. He then expressed her not knowing the magnitude of what it really is.
I took it off because I wanted to honor what he feels for our child.
I want to honor Trinity because that is what she wants.
I wanted to process it more with him because I feel there were underlying feelings that he was unaware of at that moment. Maybe what is really happening is that he isn't fully aware of the magnitude of how this affected him at that moment..I don't know.

Now what I am struggling with is what to do. Do I post it or not? I feel somewhat wrong for posting something I felt so happy about. It was such an amazing opportunity for her and I to connect and amazing for herself as well. Am I not seeing what the consequences would be? Why do there have to be any? Have I taken on what George was feeling? I tried to find a way to take it off facebook. The only way for me to take it off is to delete it and I don't want to do that. I really want to keep it.

Now that it is 2am and both nursing babies are sleeping. I was thinking about it again. And honestly what I realize is that only after George said something I started to fear that people reading would judge us or me. They would see me as the cause of my child feeling this much sadness. It was so easy for me to go to that place of second guessing what we are doing. Maybe I shouldn't homeschool. She will be with more children if she went to school. I am judging myself. I even asked Trinity if she wanted to go to school. Because if I can easily miss her need to play maybe I am missing her need to go to school. I mean the place I went to was ridiculous. Of course she said, "No why are you asking me this, I want to be homeschooled forever."
I think that it was just very hard for George to see her in her sadness.I think he felt helpless and I think things came up for him while watching it. Talking about feelings on a video is so different from actually talking about them face to face, especially since he wasn't here to see what happened before and after the video. I really believe that has been Trinity's job though. She does things that just force you to look within yourself and you can either look the other way or... take the journey. It is very healing.
I am putting the video back on to honor Trinity and hopefully George will want to process more with me about what came up for him and I can honor him and support him in that. I choose to not let myself get sucked into the negativity of what others think. I am not writing to please other people. I write because I love to document and share our lives. If something comes up for you while reading what I write I hope you choose to take the journey.

1 comment:

tanya or MOM said...

I just wanted to say what a beautiful family you have and what great parents you are. I am a mom of 5 great kids. As a parent we will always second guess ourselfs but You should always go with your gut. It will never stear you wrong. We moved to NC in June and have since pulled all of our kids to be homeschooled (unschooled) and we did second guess ourselfs a few times but now we are loveing it. I have gotten to know my children again. I have learned how they "learn" I have learned that my 15 is very funny, I have learned to fall in love with my kids all over again. So please go with your gut.