Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Gift and Letting Go

Today we were supposed to go pumpkin picking, but I got burned from chicken soup that I was cooking. At the point of which I got burned I knew that we wouldn't be leaving the house. I felt really bad because Trinity was really looking forward to it. Why would I try to flip a chicken over in boiling water? I wonder...
While Trinity and BellaSky played with some friends that came over, George and I were able to have a really deep conversation about what has been happening in the past couple of weeks.
Had I not gotten burned this conversation would not have taken place. The Gift.
It took a really bad wound to bring me to tears, that I have been holding back from George. Yes it burned and I have to treat it but behind the physical pain was emotional pain. But I couldn't get to what was really hurting me because I had to be strong to hold everything together because if I didn't, everything would fall apart.

I realized as the tears were pouring down my face what I was actually doing to myself, my family, to George. It wasn't until I cried from the wound that I knew I could be vulnerablewith George. I stayed with what I was feeling rather then what he was wasn't doing. That was the place I spoke from. So much of my fear was coming out. Everything I have been doing up until now has been coming from fear.
My inner thoughts~
Fear of, I have three more months left in my pregnancy, I have to get this family together to welcome my baby. I have to get my relationship together to welcome my baby. I can't not have a baby in this space when everything around me is falling apart. I can't move into my body until I know for sure that everything will be alright while I am gone. George has to be in a better place with himself before I can hand everything over to him so I can birth my last three months and birth my baby. ~

I have been trying to control everything around me. And it hasn't been working. I got lost in my fear and forgot how to trust, how to trust the process. I haven't been able to let go of having to be in charge of everything and just let everything fall where it needs to fall.
Everyone has been reacting or just feeling my energy around all of this. I created it and I didn't even realize it.
I let so much out today that I actually felt it being lifted. The energy has shifted around the house. I feel compassion again, and I am breathing slower.
I said it out loud that I need to let go of what I have been trying to control...And just trust that everything will be ok and beautiful and positive. George and I will reconnect again. I can reconnect with myself again and welcome my baby in my body so he or she will have a space to be born into...I have to trust that all of these things that i have just said will unfold the way it needs to. And it will be perfect.
I can allow myself to fall into George's arms and not protect myself from him because he isn't the enemy..I feel like my mind is. But that is ok..I forgive me.
I can stand in witness of everything around me, myself, my partner, my children and not have to control any of it. Just let it go and be at peace.( big breath)
One breath at a time......

No comments: