Thursday, September 25, 2008

I had an emotional night last night. I stepped into a pit of fear of "if she is doing this now it will only get worse as she gets older" Trinity is discovering and choosing that she can deal with her emotions alone, under a tent in her room, with her doors closed, or simply just by saying she doesn't want to talk about it...This has been happening for about two weeks now. It didn't bother me before. I encourage her to discover what works for her and trust that if she needed help she will come to me and she knows that because I tell her. At the moment I am not emotionally detached. I have spiraled down a hole of "shit if she does this now what is going to happen when she is older and going through harder teenage things and she keeps it all from me" Ridiculous I know...but that is what I did when I was a kid.
If I can keep myself out of that fear pit and back to the place I was before all would be fine and I wouldn't even be talking about it..But then I wouldn't have this wonderful opportunity to heal what needs to be healed..( I am being sarcastic but honest) The questions that comes up for me is what am I doing that is not making her feel safe enough for her to talk to me. That is why I didn't talk to my parents, I didn't feel safe. So she must not be feeling safe..So then I go into the other pit of trying too hard and that vibration is just so strong and she feels my energy and is removing herself from me even more..I am so aware of what I am doing and what is happening..
I am feeling as soon as our babies are born they are on the journey of self discovery and need us then don't need us..Stepping stone/milestones it is all part of it..The pulling away process or self confidence and self securety process which should be celebrated and known that it has nothing to do with me.

So as I am having this intense conversation with a 5yr old about why it is important to talk to mommy and daddy and realizing as everything is coming out of my mouth (hidden meaning behind my words) and knowing that it is not up to her to meet a need that I have, I back off, very emotional, but I back off.
I turn to my life partner and talk to him quietly because we are in the car and I am on the verge of tears voice trembling anyone would know I am about to cry...He validates me by saying it is hard..which brings me more to that vulnerable safe place. Trinity asks a question and he answers her but he never came back to me to finish our conversation. So you can imagine how I felt . He started to talk to me about other things that had nothing to do with anything. It was so hard for me, I felt myself shut down. When I said something he was waiting for me to bring it up..For once I don't want to be responsible to ask for what I need I just want it to be known. It was a total downward spiral to my child. I should have just continued speaking after Trinity was finished but I felt he wasn't present and by him saying something like- OK Finish, would have let me know that he was present with me again.
So it was like a double whammy yesterday.
I know where all my feelings are coming from and I also know that it is neither George or Trinity's responsibility to take care of my child..It was just so hard. So I am now just sitting in my emotions. Not trying to fix it or make it go away, just being in it..And it is hard and scary..

I almost feel like my blog is like a picture album. The happy and fun moments are recorded and witnessed. I don't want it to be that way.. My life's journey is a learning process and I have ups and downs. I have struggles that make me question everything. I also know to follow my heart and this path is my heart. The process is what makes me grow and evolve.
I don't want anyone saying "I told you so" I want space to be heard in the place that I am in with compassion and love. I think everyone deserves that.


Julie said...

I feel like I am in the same place- my daughter is 5 and she does not like talking about stuff she just wants to process in silence and sometimes I have to think of the shortest way to say what i want to say and let it go-- now that I think about it I think my husband is the same way which is something I need to let happen with him as well-

just wanted you to know that there are other kids out there who just do not want to talk about it all and that it is ok

Anonymous said...

I envy your candor. Your honesty has truly touched my heart.