Friday, April 25, 2008

It has been a hard week. I am standing in my reactor. It is really hard for me to be in this place. I don't want to be. I haven't cried in a while. I am sensing that my anger is really covering up some really deep sadness. I have all of a sudden been feeling like I need some days of me time. That just isn't going to happen right now and it was ok a week ago but it isn't ok now. I don't know why the time I take for myself isn't enough. I am not seeing it clearly yet. What is really behind this intensity. I want to figure it all out so I can move on to be a compassionate mother to Trinity and BellaSky. Another part of me says trust and it will come. Love myself through it. Things that didn't bother are now bothering me. So it is obvious that I am changing.  Trinity had a wish tonight and it was for me to not be angry at anyone. It breaks my heart. I asked her where I should put my anger, i can't make it disappear and she said that I need to talk about it. I wish it can be that easy for me but it isn't. Where did my compassion go for myself? How can I have compassion for anyone if it is not available for me?  I also feel like I need a fix and be with families that are like me. It is so hard doing it alone. I feel like I am holding it all by myself. We see the kind of parents we want to be, but how do we get our bodies to live it. A couple of weeks ago it felt so easy and smooth. I find myself feeling resentful and wanting to escape somehow. I need to be mothered.  My tears are coming..thank god!
I will unveil and see from a new set of eyes....

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