Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I was yelling about how I am not feeling heard. I ask a question, George answers me with a question. I am not speaking in code. I am not saying one thing and meaning another. what language is that? Is that the language of the time now.. I am seeing that a lot lately. I say something and everyone who is hearing me is hearing something totally different then what I am saying.. So here, we meet again.. I speak but what I say is being translated into something else. Why is that? Is it in my action, my tone, my inflection? What is it they think they are hearing? There own agenda, their trigger, their story...To what extent do we take responsibility?

Trinity is telling me to stop talking to daddy that way, she is not feeling safe. It sucks that she walked in on that. Some how I feel it is ok that she sees us argue. As long as she witnesses us make up..I can't pretend that relationships are all calm and quiet. Ok I really need to stop letting myself get to that point of yelling because I don't like it...BUT I CAN"T b/c I am so angry and it feels so good to let it out.
I told Trinity this had nothing to do with her and that we are having a disagreement, and I am feeling really hard emotions. It is so hard for her to understand.

I am eating my chocolate wondering why do I go that yelling place. I need to talk to him. I realize that I don't have to hold on to this any longer. I can own what is mine and I can give him the opportunity to own what is his. As I was approaching him, I felt myself almost wanting my ego to take over and not get vulnerable and not own my stuff and just blame it on him, but that isn't the place I want to come from. That isn't the place we worked so hard to get to. I shared my thoughts with him. --I don't know how not to go to that place when I am not feeling heard by you, I become a child screaming for my rights. How do I say I am not feeling heard with out yelling, because yelling isn't working..I don't want to do it anymore and you don't deserve it. He told me something that clicked, he said, I understand b/c it is your outlet.....
Outlet ...wow...I haven't had one in a couple of weeks...I feel like I am screaming for myself, it is me who doesn't hear me, it is me who is disregarding me...I am not hearing what my needs are, I am not hearing that I have them..I am not asking for what I need nor am I owning them. I am waiting for him to give them to me.

I am definetly in a place where I am feeling guilty for requesting me time. Do I not deserve it? Of course I do. These past three or four weeks have been a downward spiral into childhood.. The place where empowerment was taken away from me. The place where I was told I didn't have a right..I am sabatoging my woman now and am back in that place. I do have a right, I do deserve some time to myself, I do have a right to mother the way I want w/o feeling guilty that my children are free to live their life the way they want.
Mothering the way I choose to mother has slapped me in the face by many people. Some loving me but not my kids is a little.... fucked up and conditional and very disappointing... It all made me question who was I really parenting this way for? My kids or others..I knew it in my soul it is for my children, but to feel that feeling, was i really? What was I thinking, did I expect for people to have open arms? Well no, but I guess I expected some respect and the ability for people to just take it for what it is, that we just do things different. I don't want to have any expectation at all.
Anyway it has all brought me back to that place.. The place I really don't like being-the doubting and self questioning. I am letting it ride and go through me. It all needed to happen and my lessons will arise.
I am feeling very delicate and sensetive..I need to love this child in me and nurture her back to empowerment.

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